


A Cullen - Alistair - Amell - Story: Vortex of time

by Ameldeya



Series: Cullistair-Stories [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff, Jealosy, Lost Love, Lost Memory, Love Letters, Love Triangles, Multi, Romance, Secrets, Slow Burn, mostly sfw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-13
Packaged: 2018-09-09 15:44:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 27,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8897794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ameldeya/pseuds/Ameldeya
Summary: “Listen carefully, Commander. I’ll just say this one time. You are nothing. What you have is nothing in comparison what we had. She is the love of my life! She always was. Don’t stay in our way, Commander. I dare you!” I was desperate for a triangle story between Alistair/Amell/Cullen, so I decided to write one myself. At the end, there will be three different endings: Amell/Cullen, Amell/Alistair and Amell/Alistair/Cullen – so you can choose yourself.Rating may change!In the time, the world needed her the most, Andraste send back the Hero of Ferelden at the explosion at the conclave. Mariella Amell was said being dead for years, dying while killing the archdemon and saving Ferelden from the blight. But there she was, unharmed despite the mark on her hand, sent by Andraste herself. The only problem is: she doesn’t know who she is, neither has her former abilities. As she slowly finds her abilities and her memories back, a long-forgotten love with the handsome Templar from her circle finds its new way. But will it sustain the memories that keep coming back of the love of the king himself? She doesn’t remember the dark secret that ended their love so tragically yet. But what, if she does?





	1. Godsend

It was all a huge chaos. After the explosion in the temple of sacred ashes, demons broke through the veil and suddenly, everything changed. The sound of screaming demons, clashing swords and spilling blood covered Haven on this cool morning. The bright shining sun lost its glory to the big hole in the sky, glowing green and tinting the mountains in a dim shimmer of green. The beginning of the end of the world.

The commander knew he had to react quickly. Fortunately, his experience at the circle and in Kirkwall prepared him for situations like this. Situations, in which the whole world view was shaken and in which it was crystal clear that Thedas would never be the same again. It felt like someone else took control over his body. He was breathing in a calm pattern, shouting commands with a firm voice and making strategic plans for several outcomes. Cullen was about to put on his armor to lead a group of soldiers up the hill to support Cassandra’s and Leliana’s people, as a messenger ran to him. “Commander, I have important news from Lady Cassandra!”

“What is it? Be quick about it!” He turned around and signaled the messenger to close the breeches of his armor while he listened to the news. “Commander, everyone at the conclave is dead. Everyone, expect a woman. Soldiers saw her entering through the fade. They said, it was Andraste herself who send her in our world. They are already calling her the Herald of Andraste. Although, the soldiers captured her, she was nearly unconscious. But Lady Leliana told them to let go. She knew the woman. Others recognized her as well. But Lady Cassandra said that it could be a demon tricking us. Nonetheless, they made their way to the breach. The woman has a mark on her hand, Lady Cassandra said that she might be able to close the breach. But they need help. There are too many demons.”

Cullen raised his eyebrows. This seemed too good to be true. But he couldn’t rely on rumors. The messenger was finished closing the breeches of Cullen’s armor and stepped in front of him and bowed, waiting to be dismissed. One information was still missing. “And what is about this woman? Why did the Seeker say that this is a demon tricking us?”, Cullen barked impatiently as he grabbed his sword and shield. “They say…”, the messenger lowered his voice, “it is the Hero of Ferelden.”

Cullen felt like someone had hit him in the face with a shield. He was stunned. This couldn’t be. This was definitely a demon tricking them. Or some wicked magic. It couldn’t be, the woman maybe seemed alike her, but it wasn’t her. Not in a thousand years. Although he had never seen her dead body, everyone he met and who fought the battle against the archdemon assured him that she died. Even the King himself, King Alistair Therin, who was supposed to be her lover, confirmed that she was gone and wore black for more than three years. Though Cullen couldn’t count the times he thought he had seen her.

After the events at the circle, he had seen her face on the streets, in taverns, in his dream, good and bad, sometimes disguised a desire demon itself as her. More rarely he was just caught in a good dream, dreaming of former times at the circle, watching her study, kissing her between the book shelves. The moment he heard of her death, he was shattered. More shattered than he already was. There was no day he didn’t cursed himself for the last words he had told her. Cullen was certain that he would never be able to undoing his behavior that day – with her dead impossible. And now this. Yes, the world seemed to be turned into a madhouse, but this couldn’t be. It had been ten years. Where was she all this years? It was just impossible. Cullen was determined to ignore this message, it would only distract him and because it couldn’t be true, he had to worry about nothing. It was just impossible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you like it? In this case, I'd appreciated it if you leave Kudos :)
> 
> Please forgive me any grammar/spelling mistakes - english is not my mother tongue.


	2. Doubtful hopes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen sees his long lost love for the first time but has nagging doubts it's her.

Suppressing his stirred feelings, Cullen made his way to his soldiers waiting for him. “What are you waiting for? Move!”, his patience and calm had disappeared within seconds. Hopefully there would be some demons to be slain. At least he would be distracted that way. For a moment, Cullen considered that the messenger had been just an illusion in his mind, produced by the lack of lyrium and the absurdity of the whole situation, but as he heard his men whispering about the Herald of Andraste and the Hero of Ferelden, he knew he hadn’t dreamt.

Demons crawled all over the path to the temple of sacred ashes as they walked in the fade and not in the real world. Cullen’s fresh footsteps in the snow were lost in the many traces of demon claws. Blood drops sparkled in the snow from time to time like red diamonds. All of them tried not to think too much about how many men had already lost their lives here  – and how many more would follow. The plan was simple. They would fight their way to the temple and then wait – for a message from Cassandra or Leliana. It didn’t took long and another messenger approached, his guts twisted. This was too soon. There could not possibly be any news. Did she die? Or did the woman finally turned out to be a demon? Cullen swallowed his nervousness down. “What is it?” The messenger was frightened – by his harsh voice or the demons – Cullen couldn’t tell. He began to stammer. “Lady… Lady Cassandra is… is… on her way…I mean… with her… I mean Lady Ca-.. Cassandra is there with the He… Hero... of… I mean they are on the way…” “ON HER WAY TO WHAT?” Cullen never lost his temper – never. Years of Templar training had brought him to this point. But this was too much, it was just too much for him. The thought drove him mad that _she_ could be out there and needed help – his help. How many times had he prayed for her? How many nights had he dreamt of her? Of this one kiss? Of her soft voice, of her delicate fingers? How many nights did he spent lying and longing in his bed in the circle? And how many nights did he cursed himself for his last words to her? Too many. “On the way to the breach.” The voice of the messenger pulled him out of his thoughts.

The Commander gasped. Bringing her to see the breach, yes, but bringing her _to_ the breach? Cassandra must have gone mad. She would die. Certainly. Herald of Andraste, Hero of Ferelden, a possessed soul - it didn’t matter. He didn’t want this woman to die. Not, if she gave him the possibility to see her face again for a last time. As the messenger told him that they would take a mountain path and it was Cullen’s task to draw the attention from so many demons as possible, Cullen’s mind flipped. If he ever wanted to have a chance to take a look at this woman, he would have to act now and be quick about it. Cullen was determined to do everything to see her face again. And even if it was just for ones.

As the demons stopped being spilled out by rifts and the howling of the battle was just an echo in their ears, they retreated to Haven – there was not much that they could do. The whole way Cullen wondered where she was. Whether she made it. Fortunately, the first person he ran into was Cassandra. She looked exhausted, but satisfied. Her hair was covered in dust, frozen at its tips and tainted by the blood of demons. “Did she… what did happen?”, Cullen just asked, his voice husky in excitement. “She closed the breach and she lives. Andraste must truly love us to send us this woman in our deepest despair. It is over – at least for now.” “Are you… I mean… is she the Hero of Ferelden?” Cassandra furrowed her brows. “I’m not sure it’s her, but Leliana is. She has lost her memory and her former abilities, so it seems. We will discuss everything when she’s awake. But until then, I’m perfectly happy that she closed the breach for now. That was more than we’ve hoped for.” “What do you mean, when she’s awake? Where is she?” Panic spread in Cullen’s limbs. Cassandra shook slightly her head. “She fell unconscious again. But the healers say that she will be fine. She will probably need some days to recover. We put her in one of the houses and she will stay there for now. It is better not to let the rumors spread too quickly. Not until we are sure it’s her.” Cullen nodded and a sudden relief as his guts untied. Cassandra nodded in return and made her way to her room.

The whole evening, Cullen stalked through Haven like a cougar on its hunt. His body almost sparkled because of the tension he felt from head to toe. His muscles ached because of today’s battle, but he barely noticed it. What did he do now? The woman was obviously no demon. And she was alive. And she was here – in Haven, near him. He should talk about her with Leliana. No, this would probably be a bad idea. Cullen abandoned the thought as quickly as it has come. The commander didn’t even notice it but suddenly it was quarter past midnight and only the guards were still out there, staring at the clear sky. The stars hadn’t shone so brightly for a while now and even the wind decided to let go for a night. The tension from today was almost lost in the calm darkness of the night that embraced Haven. And what did Cullen do? He found himself creeping around the house she supposed to be in. Only one thought came to his mind for an hour now. She had made it. Hero of Ferelden or not, she had made it and he would see her face again. And Cullen was so desperate to see her, to see these blue eyes, touch the soft satin skin, trace her scars, but he would have to wait. He couldn’t just walk in the house and touch here, could he? Was it for his exhaustion, the lyrium deprivation or just the thought that today could have been his last day on earth, Cullen opened the door and entered after an hour racking his brain. The darkness had made him blind and he couldn’t see anything as he entered the little cabin. A fire burnt calmly in the chimney and the shutters were closed. There was not much in this room, a chair, a small desk, and… a bed.

There she was, lying in the bed, pale and haggard, but still beautiful like the first time he saw her. A perfect marble statuette, showing every detail of the woman Cullen ones fell in love with. Cautiously, Cullen sat next to her on the bed and rested his arms on his legs. She breathed weakly, but calmly. For a while, Cullen struggled, wondering if he should stay. Maybe she was a demon after all. But what, if she was not? If Andraste sent her back in the moment the world most needed her? After a while, the commander decided that it didn’t matter for the moment. Seeing her sleep made him feel calm inside, peaceful. Even if she was a demon, why not enjoy these few, rare moments of happiness, thinking she was alive and here, with him? For a moment, he couldn’t control himself and his fantasy drove him away. He would carry her to his tent, nurse her back to health. She would wake up recognize him and then… then what? He’d said terrible things to her. Things, even if she was the woman she claimed to be, no one could ever forget. Besides, it had been ten years. Ten long years.

Cullen couldn’t resist and reached out a hand. He caroused her cheekbones, her jaw, her delicate nose, even her lips with his index finger. The moment he realized what he had been doing, he jerked his hand back. Was he completely mad? What had driven him to do this? If it would be really her, he hadn’t done such thing or dared to touch her at all. With a sigh, Cullen teared his hair and looked at her face again. The soft light of the fire painted grey shadows on her body. She didn’t look a day older as the day she left the circle. 19 she was by then… 19, still so young. And he was ten years older now, more scars covering his body. Was it even possible that she disappeared for ten long years and just walked out of the fade to help them all? Maker, if this was true, this would be the biggest miracle since Andraste herself stepped on this earth.

Cassandra told him that she had lost her memory. It wouldn’t make things easier for them. Any stranger who looked like her could claim that she was her… But there was one thing, Cullen remembered. Carefully, Cullen lifted the blanket and reached for her left arm. Even more careful, he pulled up the sleeve until he could see her elbow. His fingers traced softly the cold scar covering her elbow and a part of the upper arm. Even if this was an illusion, it was so perfect like herself. Cullen remembered the day exactly when she did get this scar. She was practicing throwing fire balls for hours and he had watched her closely. He said the reason was that it could be dangerous for all of them if she got out of hand – the other Templars believed him but he knew what was behind this lie: Cullen just wanted to watch her. And fortunately, he did. As she tried a new spell, her robe caught fire. Because it was a magical fire, she couldn’t extinguish it herself. Cullen had run for an older magician, which was finally able to extinguish the fire and heal her burnt arm, but the scar remained. She had thanked him a thousand time for saving her, but he just stammered something about this being his duty and had been blushing. Even the thought of his behavior in these old days made him blush. “Who are you?”, Cullen asked with a low voice only to be interrupted by the crackling sound of the fire. “It is so easy to believe it’s you. You look like her, feel like her, even smell like her. But if I believe it’s you and you aren’t you, I will be broken forever.” Cullen inhaled deeply. It was foolish to wait for a response, he knew, but a little part of him had hoped that Andraste or the Maker would send him a sign. But they didn’t. Only the crackling fire accompanied his thoughts. Cullen sighed. “I guess I will have to wait and see.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhh, I'm so excited! I've already written some parts for later on in the story and can't wait to get there.  
> Do you have wishes for any scences you want them to encounter? Let me know!
> 
> Kudos/comments/bookmarks are appreciated :)


	3. The second first time

It were three long days she needed to recover. Three days Cullen kept creeping around the cabin but hold himself back to enter another time. Well, the fact that Leliana almost never left her side helped him to control himself. Otherwise, Cullen couldn’t tell if he had the patience to stay out of her reach. But this didn’t stop him from dreaming of her. Three days Cullen dreamt of her every night. Three days he counted the hours, the minutes, the seconds and prayed to the Maker that she would wake up soon. And then suddenly, she was awake, without a warning. Cullen was training his recruits as a messenger approached him. “Commander, Lady Cassandra sent me. The Hero of… I mean… Lady Mariella is awake. They wait for you in the war room.” Awake? She was awake? Cullen wanted to run, to see her, to talk to her, but he could hold back. What would his men think? And besides, he couldn’t be sure it was her - yet.

“Ser Rylen, take over the training. I’m in the war room and don’t want to be interrupted.” “Understood, Commander.” With a firm but quick step, Cullen made his way to the chantry. With every step his heartbeat rose. His sweaty hands gripped the pommel of his sword in desperation for something to give him hold and security. As he saw the wooden, heavy door of the war room, his pace slowed. Did he really want to know? At the moment, he lived in the illusion that she lived. Was he willing to risk this illusion maybe in favor of a random woman? Cullen still considered the option that the lack of lyrium had tricked him into this dream, because it was too could to be true. Of all people who could have been sent back, she was chosen? And he was there as well? Either it was destiny or a nightmare, nurturing his hopes until he believed them and shattering him once again. He couldn’t think of it a minute longer as Leliana rushed through the hall, almost running. The door slammed and the quick whirlwind of purple and red entered, pushing the door to the war room open like a yawing jaw. Cassandra was framed by the doorframe and leaned over the table, but looked over her shoulder to a spot Cullen couldn’t see. Leliana rushed in the room. He could hear her voice. “I’ve missed you so much! I’m glad you returned!”

Slowly, Cullen entered the room and closed the door, his gaze fixated on the floor. This was ridiculous. He behaved ridiculous. _Come on, have some faith_ , he told himself. Carefully, he rose his gaze, first to Josephine who stood on the far end of the table, then approaching to Cassandra and at least… looking in her direction. To this very moment, Cullen had thought that the moment he’d seen her the first time was the moment in life he would remember forever as being blown away at instant. He was so mistaken. Seeing her here, alive, in the war room, smiling in Leliana’s arms, his heart jumped nearly out of his chest, his rips the only thing holding it in place. Her soft brown hair shone like silk by the light of the sun and was tied into a loose bun. She had exchanged her night gown by a silvery, well fitted armor who displayed her sandglass figure in an almost too daring way. A light flush of rose painted her cheeks in the most lovely colors and he could see her white teeth biting this delicious pink bottom lip like she always did when she was insecure or nervous. Her blue eyes showed the surprise Leliana had caused and didn’t seem to notice him. In all these years, she had not lost a single drop of her beauty. The moment he examined her trapped in Leliana’s arms felt like an eternity he wished would never end.

As Mariella entangled herself from the woman’s arms, she blushed. Her cheeks tainted in an even darker shade of pink “Excuse me for being so frank, but I have to ask… Were we… lovers?” This voice… he had thought about it for so many hours, imagining it but never being able to mimic it in its beauty like it really was. More than 10 long years since he heard that voice the last time. _Please do never stop talking... Cullen, pull yourself together, you behave like a fool. You don’t even know whether it’s her_. Leliana started laughing. Cullen didn’t know her long but he had never, never heard Leliana laughing. “No. How did you come up with that?” The shade of red on Mariella’s face got even darker. “Well… you greeted me so warmly and… I have a memory of the two of us… naked… and there is a fire…” Leliana hugged the poor woman again. “So, do you remember? Thank the Maker!” Mariella stumbled backwards.

“I don’t know… it is just… I don’t remember much… But first of all, I’m a little bit confused. Could you explain to me who you are and why we were naked by a fire?” Leliana’s face brightened once again. “I’m Leliana – I was… I mean I am your best friend! We travelled a lot and fought a lot against darkspawn. You and I, Alistair and Morrigan were naked at the temple of sacred ashes. We had to cross the fire with nothing on to cure-“ the confused look in Mariella’s face worsened. Cullen pitied her. It had to be hard to have forgotten the own past. He pitied her so much that he’d almost overheard the word “naked”. Leliana gasped and wanted to continue her waterfall of words, but Cassandra interrupted and Mariella looked a little more tranquilized. Cullen could hardly imagine who it was like to wake up with no memory of one’s former life – everybody knowing more about herself than she did. “Leliana, please be patient! Do not overburden her! This is a complicate situation for us all. We will have to be patient with each other.”, Cassandra stopped Leliana. She turned towards Mariella.

“It will be easier for you, if I introduce everyone. This is Josephine Montiley, our ambassador. Leliana is our spymaster and Commander Cullen is in charge of the troops.” Her gaze wandered from one person to another and she nodded slightly. Was it because he wished it or his imagination tricked him, but Cullen thought that her gaze lingered a little longer on his face than on the others. The moment her eyes met his, he knew. Nobody could have her eyes. Those blue crystals, shining and shimmering, displaying every emotion. In his dreams, it were always her eyes that revealed the disguised demon. His whole body prickled in excitement. A new chance. A new hope. For him and for her. Thank the Maker! Now, everything made sense. Every painful hour, every scar, every dead companion led to this moment. Him with her, no bonds tearing them apart.

Cassandra continued without hesitation: “I told you what happened at the temple. Now to the serious part… do you still don’t know who you are? What do you know about yourself?” Cullen was pulled back into this very moment. He still didn’t know whether she remembered who she was. “I hope you are happy to learn that I remember my name. My name is Mariella Amell. I have a sister and a brother, but I guess I haven’t seen them in a long time. I seem to be a mage. And obviously, I’m friends with… Leliana.” She smiled shyly. She remembered her name. That was good. But would she remember the memory of him and her and… “Can’t you remember more?”, Cassandra pushed the issue further. Guilt spread on this beautiful face. “I’m afraid not. Believe me, I am as unhappy with this as you are… “ Then suddenly, guilt fell over her face like someone had hit her in the face with it. “I want to help but… I have to go! They will be searching for me in the circle! Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! I’m in trouble! They will punish me!”

Leliana laid an arm around her shoulders and tried to calm her. ”Sush, calm down! Everything is alright.” Cassandra teared her hair. “We have a lot of work to do.”, she murmured. “Leliana, give her a lesson what happened since... well she… disappeared.” Leliana nodded and grabbed Mariella’s shoulders tighter. “Can I first ask for a favor?”, her voice gained some strength. Cassandra nodded “You helped us close the breach and did so much more – you can ask for anything.” Cullen saw her swallow. “Will you… please not tell me who I was unless I ask? You all seem to know me in a way… But this is maybe a chance to start all over again. To fulfill my purpose in the Maker’s world. If he wanted me to know, he will let me know.”

Cassandra’s jaw dropped. This would be a disaster. People already recognized her as the Hero of Ferelden, word would spread quickly. “But people will ask questions.” “Tell them only what is necessary. I seemed to have earned the title ‘Herald of Andraste’. Isn’t this enough for the moment?” “But what about…” Cassandra was interrupted by the determined shaking of Leliana’s head. “Cassandra, let her! She has to carry a heavy burden. We will support her in any way she wants us to!” Before Cullen could say another word or talk to her, Leliana had pulled the love of his life away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading so far, I'm glad a few people are enjoying my story :)  
> The next chapter will be about Mariella's and Cullen's first encounter... so stay tuned!


	4. Promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, it took me a bit longer than the usual 2 weeks to upload a new chapter, because I was on vacation (Sri Lanka, you should go there someday, it's beautiful).  
> The next chapter should be there sooner, I promise :)

The moon mirrored itself on the cracked ice blanket of the lake for quite a while now and Cullen still didn’t move from his space under the old oak. He knew he should have gone back and looked after his men and the new supplies, but this was one of the few cases where he needed some space for himself. A soft white coat covered his heavy boots, but despite the new snow he didn’t feel cold at all. His thoughts circled for hours in his head and yet there was no conclusion to be made. There were only three things which were a hundred percent certain in his life right now. First, if they weren’t able to close the breach, the world would end. Second, despite the many years that had passed, he was still unconditionally and uncontrollably in love with Mariella Amell. Third, she was most likely the only person who could fix the whole in the sky with her mark. However, all facts occurring at the same time were a problem. Disregarding the fact that she might have changed, wasn’t even the same person any longer, that she didn’t even remember him, that she probably didn’t even care for him at all – she was still the only person who could do something against the breach and the rifts. Cullen had enough battle expertise and knowing of magical mysteries to analyze exactly that the mark on her hand, the rifts or the breach or even all together would kill her some day soon. And there was nothing he could do against it. To let himself fall for her again would compromise his ability as military leader and destroy him for certain the moment her last breathe escaped her lips. It didn’t matter how often Cullen tried to reanalyze the situation over and over again, it always came down to two conclusions.

First, he would do everything in his power to let her succeed and bring her out of this mess alive, protecting her against all evil. Second, he would keep his distance to her, for his own sake. She didn’t remember him anyway, so she wouldn’t be hurt by his cold behavior - hopefully. This would cost him a lot. He even considered taking lyrium again for a brief moment, but then he remembered the promise he was supposed to make all this years ago. She had freed him, freed the whole tower and he couldn’t even look at her, was blaming her to be a demon. He was so embarrassed after she killed Uldred that he couldn’t look her in the eyes. Nethertheless, she had come to him.

_“Cullen, please! Please listen to me: I… I know it’s hard… but… I… I care about you. The circle is destroyed, there is no life for you here. Come with me, Cullen. Please. Leave everything behind. You could join the wardens - join_ me _. I could conscript you, if you want to. Take the chance we never had.” her voice almost stumbled, because she seemed so afraid of saying these simple welcoming words. However, Cullen didn’t say a thing, he couldn’t. Embarrassment, blank horror because of the last few days, the slaughtering, the torture, made his tongue heavy and stiff as stone and his lips sealed like dwarven doors. He wasn’t the same man she left behind. After he didn’t say anything for a while, her voice was broken. She was hurt, shattered by his non-reaction to her gentle words. A single tear dropped from her cheek on Cullen’s hand. A last sign of her how much she cared. In a low, husky tone she whispered near his ear: “Promise me, Cullen, when you get over this, find a way to move on. Live your own life. You deserve it more than anyone. For my sake and for yours: find a way. Promise me!” Still, he didn’t could say a single word and then she left._

He had never told her yes, never made this promise to her, but after he heard of her death, Cullen was determined to try it someday. To move on, to find a new life, to stop being a Templar. And he did. He joined the Inquisition, he stopped taking lyrium and how ironic – the woman who had made him promise this showed up. But he would keep his distance, keep her safe, protect her no matter the cost. With this determination burnt in his head and heart, repeating the words again and again, almost like a prayer, he stood up, swiped the snow away from his armor and slowly made his way back to Haven.

The stairs shone like a thousand diamonds and lit his way as the only constant in his life. Back in the circle, he had dreamt about showing her the stars someday. The small windows of the tower allowed only partial sight of the nightly sky. It was one of the fantasies of him, where he took her in the dawn of night, escaped the tower and had a happy life somewhere else. Now, she was out of the tower, but still out of his reach. Maybe he had to accept the hurtful truth that he would always be the one admiring her from the far, desperately grabbing those few moments of happiness with her. As the clouds darkened the moon, his thoughts drifted back to the presence. His crackling heavy steps in the fresh snow echoed through the bright night only to be suddenly interrupted by a soft “Hello.”

Years of military training kicked in as Cullen whirled around with a determined expression, every muscle of his body tensed, pulling his sword with a swift movement and getting into a fighting stance. A small figure, hidden in the shadows of the woods, rose both of her hands over her head. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I didn’t want to jump out of the shadows like a bandit!” It was her. Of course it was her. Because his life was always like this. With a small sigh and a metallic scraping sound, the commander put his sword back, but still rested both of his hands on the pommel. They felt so useless around her, like all these years ago. It seemed some things never changed: he felt like a stumbling fool around her like he always had. “Do you… do you mind if I join you walking back, commander?”

She had stepped out of the shadows and even the soft moonlight couldn’t disguise her beauty. Surely, there were other women much prettier than her, but her soft face, the soft brown hair, the delicate fingers, the swift movements, the honey voice: it all added up in the most beautiful creature which had ever stepped on Maker’s earth. It was just not possible to disregard her and yet he should. “You are welcome.” He made an inviting gesture with his hand, but his voice did tell a different story. They fell into a calm, quick pace - the sooner this romantic star stroll was over the better. After they reached the first gate, but still far away from the city gates, she asked in a silent voice: “Did we knew each other before I… well… died?” “You said you didn’t want to know.” Cullen’s voice was grimmer than he intended. He didn’t want to seem too rude, but he had to keep his distance. Silence covered the fresh snow blanket again as the two intruded it by their footsteps.

“You are right… but can I ask you another question?” The answer had surprise her, but she was determined to try again. “I may answer as well as I am able to.” “Do the people think I caused the breach? That I am the reason for all this chaos, because I am a mage?” Her voice was trembling and she was a little out of breath. He forgot, she had been sick for a few days and was probably still a little weak on her knees. Cullen slowed his pace and rose both of his eyebrows. “How did you come up with that?” His façade started to break away as his voice sounded much friendlier and warmer. The tighter he wanted to hold on it, the harder it got. It was like trying to catch a fish with bare hands in an ocean: The moment he thought he got it under control, it slipped out of his hands. “Well, people behave strangely around me and I wonder why.” Without looking at her, he could tell she was reading his face. “What did Leliana tell you?” It took him everything he had not to look in her blue eyes, because when he did, he was sure to kiss her right away under the stars claiming his own bit of happiness.

“Just a little bit of what has happened the last years. After the blight, in Kirkwall, the rebellion… Things like this. Luckily, she didn’t insist on telling all the stories about both of us, but I could tell she wanted to.” Mariella laughed and her laughter was swallowed by the night as soon as it approached the trees, but it rang in Cullen’s ears like music. “But still, I don’t know what I did to make those people so afraid. I don’t want them to fear me, I want to help every single one of them. Can you just tell me a short version why they behave so strangely?” Cullen took a deep breath. “You killed the archedemon and ended the blight, but died doing so. This is why you are known as the Hero of Ferelden. The people are afraid that either you are a wicked mage or a demon tricking them or that the Maker sent you back himself. Either way: it is quite terrifying. Give them a little time. Show them with you actions that you mean to do good.” She seemed to be satisfied with the answer and Cullen could tell by her expression that she thought about what he had said. It is not every week that you fall out of the fade without memory and learn that you were a hero. However, another thought nagged in his mind and didn’t want to shut up. “But why did you ask me and not Leliana about this matter?” “Because I feel I can trust you.”

This words hit him right into the bottom of his heart. She trusted him. She didn’t even know who he was or what he had done and still… Cullen shook of the thought like a nasty mosquito. No, he wouldn’t allow himself rumoring about whether there were still feelings for him, hidden under all these lost memories. “I am the commander of the Inquisition, an advisor, not your friend. You should be careful who you trust – especially in your position. Stick with Leliana, she will keep all your secrets save and she cares for you. She is probably the person who cares the most for you at the moment.” _Except for me_. “Just because we are not friends yet doesn’t mean we can’t become buddies.” Her smile was heartwarming. If there had be any doubt, Cullen knew that she was still the same person. This was so her. It had a reason why her nickname at the circle was “little lady sunshine” that even the Templars used. “We will see.” It almost ripped Cullen in pieces for saying this. He knew these words would hurt her like needles stitching her right into the heart. Fortunately, the gates of Haven came in sight. “I better check the supplies and the training gear for tomorrow. My soldiers need their training and proper food now more than ever.” “Oh… I understand… goodnight, commander.” Cullen just nodded and as she was out of sight, he whispered: “Good night, Mariella.” This was going to be tough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for staying with me!  
> I appreciate every kudos, constructive feedback or comments!


	5. Honey eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, I'm a little bit late. Shame on me.  
> But because I feel so bad, you'll get two chapters today (Honey eyes & Roses)
> 
> Anyway, I'm really enjoying that so many seem to like my story! Thank you guys, this keeps me going :)  
> In case you like to talk with me about the story or anything, just write a comment.

As soon as the door had closed behind her, she leaned against it and took a deep breath. Leliana had insisted that she slept in the little cabin, although Mariella would have been fine sleeping in a tent like so many others. But right now, she was so grateful for a little space for herself with only the crackling of the fire interrupting her thoughts. Slowly, she walked to the little desk and lit a candle for her studies, but the warm light couldn’t scare the shadows of the previous day away. It had been a hell of a day. Tomorrow wouldn’t be any better: she would start her training as a mage. Solas had given her a few books, because he only knew the elven kind of magic and no one else couldn’t train her either, but she read over the lines over and over again and couldn’t remember a single thing. Her thoughts always drifted back to the day – and to one person in particular.

Mariella knew, she should probably worry about a lot. There was this strange mark on her hand, the sky was torn apart, she didn’t even know who she was and a lot of people had trust in her that she was sent to fix this mess, but this was not was rumbled in her head. Those honey eyes had looked at her before, she was a hundred percent sure. She was so sure that she would have rather forget her own name than those eyes. The two of them had crossed paths before, but she couldn’t remember how they knew each other. The fact that she found the commander pretty handsome didn’t make it easier for her. Did she do something in her past to make him upset? Did he even dislike her? His behavior was rather mysterious to her, because he was so ambivalent. She felt like they were two stars, attracting and circling around each other, but at the same time pushing each other away.

Did she overinterpret the situation? They had only exchanged a few words. Maybe he had other things in mind. Or he really disliked her, because of her old self – in case her theory was true and they knew each other. But no matter who she had been before, she knew herself well enough to know that she had a huge crush on him. The moment he entered the war room like a proud lion, checked every detail and examined her, a grenade of butterflies had exploded in her chest. He radiated pure self-confidence and calm, the aura of a life experienced person who could handle everything. A rock in an unsteady sea. But even if he had a bad picture of her or her old self… there were always two sides of a coin: all the forgotten memories gifted her a new chance. Maybe she hadn’t been the person he would like all those years ago, but she could be now. He didn’t seem too close minded.

Carefully, she shook her head. This was insane. He was at least ten years older than her and a skillful, powerful warrior, the commander. Earlier in the day, as he left the dining hall, she had seen how two of the beautiful maidens looked after him as he left the room as she entered through another door. Certainly, the three of them were not the only one who’s attention the commander had caught. Both of the maidens had looked rather pretty with their fair hair, braided into buns and their well fitting dresses. She was a mage, a rather young one who has lost all her skill. Mariella couldn’t imagine that she looked appealing in her new battle mage armor and with this glowing hand. In addition, the look that the commander had given her in the armor had told her enough. She was a tool, nothing more. The commander probably thought she was a child and more an obstacle than a help with her lack of battle experience.

A sigh escaped her lips. This crush wouldn’t go away so easily, therefore she should be better of good use for him. Maybe then he could see more in her than she had been or than she was. Training would start tomorrow and she would make the best of it. The Hinterlands wouldn’t ask how much time she got to get better with her magic. Bandits and rebel mages were spilled all over the place, making it a hard place to start with gathering help and closing rifts. Her hands wandered to the necklace with the charm around her neck. It was a simple silver one with a small, firm red rose dangling on it. It gave her security in moments of doubt. Although Mariella could not tell where she got it from, it meant a lot to her.

Solas had told her that the rose was probably a natural one, shrunk and frozen for all times to be a charm dangling near her heart. It was nice to have a small token from her past remembering her that she really had existed and had another life than this. Although the missing memories didn’t bother her too much, it was more her lack of skill that made her angry of herself. How was she supposed to help the people when she couldn’t even defend herself on the battleground? Because she couldn’t study anyway, Mariella tried to remember her past. If she was lucky, the skill would come back with the memories. But as much as she tried to, only short scenes with Leliana came to her mind and with it the feeling of friendship. The commander was right, she should stick to her. Leliana seemed to be her one true friend in this new world. Maybe she could ask for her advice regarding Ser Cullen.

_Back to topic, you don’t want to think about it_ she told herself. But her brain could produce nothing more and the harder she tried the tougher it got. It was like an attempt to bottle the wind. In desperation, Mariella shook her head. Ser Cullen had told her that she had been a warden. But she didn’t feel darkspawn or has had a bad dream the previous nights. She had a vague idea of who it felt with the taint running through her blood, but it didn’t feel that way now. This was definitely a thing to examine more closely. Solas had offered his help in other matters regarding her memory, because he was interested in her stories from the fade. Surely, he could help with this matter as well. There was nothing more she could do at the moment, so Mariella got ready for bed and tried to recall her mage skills a last time. After hours of trying, the sleep demanded her and she disappeared into the dream land with a last picture clinging to her mind before she closed her eyes: soft honey eyes.


	6. Roses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any Alistair fans out there? Well, here you go :)
> 
> I'm often listening to music while writing, it helps me getting in the right mood. I thought it would be nice to share these songs from time to time with you guys. The main inspiration for this chapter was the following song: SYML - where's my love https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wAG97kBUr4E

In a more luxurious bed, many days horse riding away, the sheets were soaked in cold sweat. Alistair teared his blonde hair. The same dream had woken him that haunted him for so many years.  _He felt threatened, darkspawn was near. Darkness blinded his eyes and mist swayed around his feet as he slowly walked forward. Then suddenly, out of the darkness a figure was born, formed by the mist. Darkspawn. The figure hadn’t notice him yet. Alistair pulled out a dagger, his sword was nowhere to be found - he would have to be quick. Alistair held the dagger on a white throat with a swift movement. Only the long dark hair revealed the person in front of him was a woman, but it was too late. As he slit the throat in a swift movement from behind, her clear blue eyes looked at him filled with the knowing of betrayal. As his screams ripped his heart apart, red blood pooled to his feet, surrounding the dead body of the woman he loved more than life. Out of her warm blood, a high dragon rose like a phoenix from its ashes. The ugly jaw opened wide and swallowed him whole accompanied by the laughter of the witch who could have saved them both._

Then, Alistair had woken up like always, his panting breath the only company. He forced himself to breathe steadily and slowly, his heartbeat started its normal rythm. His hand searched for the vase on his bedside table, loosening a single red rose from the bouquet. There were always fresh, red roses. One of the few luxuries he allowed himself reminding him of this fateful night so many years ago. The petals softly caressed his fingertips as he slightly stroked over them. His other hand grasped the stalk of the rose so hard that the thorns bore into his now so soft skin, filling his palm with warm blood until the stalk broke. Alistair threw a painful glance at the wall. There, next to Duncan’s shield was a painting of her reminding him that he would never forgive himself. He would live with the pain until the taint swallowed him whole. People were so wrong. Time didn’t heal all wounds, time was just a patient teacher, teaching him to live with the pain that filled the hole she left, leaving only the hurtful emptiness as an intimate. It would never get easy and he would never stop praying for Andraste’s mercy for what he had done.

A frantic knocking pulled him out of his thoughts. Immediately, he wasn’t Alistair any longer, but the king of Ferelden. To be disturbed at such a late hour meant bad. At once, he was on his feet, grabbing the hidden sword from under the mattress and storming to his bedroom door. A frightened servant looked at him with big eyes. It must be quite a view seeing the king himself in a nightgown, fresh blood running down his arm and a drawn sword in his hand. The candleholder in the hand of the servant started shaking. “What is it? Are we under attack?” Alistair tried to remain calm but his voice trembled because of the still so vivid nightmare that was his life. “No, your majesty.” The servant looked down to the floor. “I just thought… I just thought… you wanted to know right away that the rumors are true.”

Hasty steps flew down the hallway. “What is going on?” Teagan. Of course – who else. “I was just hearing that some rumors are true – although I don’t understand what on Maker’s green earth can be so important that you wake me in the middle of the night.” He threw an angry glance at the servant, who became paler than Alistair’s nightgown. “Well, we should all go to sleep then. You are dismissed.”, said Teagan with a trembling voice, becoming as pale as the servant. “No, now, that the man woke me, he can tell me as well what kind of true rumor this is that seems so important.” Alistair crossed his arms. The poor servant seesawed from foot to foot and studied the floor with utmost attention.

“Well, the rumors of the Herald of Andraste, of the explosion of the temple of sacred ashes, they are all true. She closed the breach, she is alive and…” the servant took a deep breath. “She is the Hero of Ferelden. Everything is as it said in the report that came with the raven.” Alistair had the feeling he had blacked out. What kind of sadistic nightmare was this, nurturing his hopes in this dark hour? Yes, he had heard about the death of Divine Justinia and of the Herald of Andraste. The situation was already bad before, but now with the death of the divine it would become worse. But the hero… he must have understood it wrong. Hero of Ferelden. She was dead for ten years, four months and seventeen days. At first, Alistair had refused to believe that she was dead. The body could never be found. Maybe she had just lost her memory and was wandering around not knowing who she was. Or she was bewitched. Alistair’s men had searched the whole kingdom, looking in each cave, turning every single pebble, studying every graveyard they could find and they had found nothing. Not a single clue leaving only one thing to conclude after years of frustrating searching: she was dead. The archedemon had swallowed her whole. She would never come back. She couldn’t possibly have survived. And now… Hero of Ferelden – Herald of Andraste.

Alistair studied Teagan’s face, searching for an answer he couldn’t possibly give, but only found resentment. Anger and indescribable disappointment filled Alistair’s chest as he grumbled with a threatening voice: “You knew about it?!” Teagan stared defensively at his feet. “The raven arrived four days ago.” A thick silence fell over them. For once in his life, Alistair had lost his words. What was this madness? Was he becoming mad because of the lyrium? Did the taint start to control his mind? Did he still dream – a dream in a dream? Teagan found his words first, interrupting the circling thoughts of Alistair who didn’t know who he was any longer.

“It was for your own safety! And for the safety of Ferelden! Everybody knows about your ghost hunt all those years. It is an easy trick to get you out of the castle and drag Ferelden into chaos! Any second mage could disguise herself as her and take advantage of the situation! Everything is at chaos with the mages rebelling and Orlais falling into pieces! If Andraste wanted to send her back, why did she do it now? It is a trick, Alistair! You are chasing the ghost of a woman who has been dead for ten years. Think about your kingdom! Think about your promise! You can’t just run away because somebody claims to have seen her! Do you remember how much resources you spent chasing every woman with dark hair and blue eyes down? Too many! We can’t afford this right now. Ferelden can not afford to lose its king. I cannot allow it! You must stay here or Ferelden is lost! It is not her, believe me!”

Alistair stared at Teagan with unbelieving eyes. This was the reason? Teagan thought this was a trick baiting him out of Denerim to kill him? Alistair would gladly sacrifice his life or his position as a king to see her just once again. But although Alistair hated it to admit it, Teagan was right. If he left Denerim, Ferelden would fall into chaos and the issue with the mages would get worse, not thinking about Anora sitting somewhere in her exile only waiting for her chance like a hungry wyvern. He had a promise to keep.“Don’t do that ever again.”, Alistair hissed.

Teagan bowed apologetically. “But your majesty may be pleased to hear, that your old companion, Leliana is said to be with her.” Leliana was with her? Then it must be…! Alistair stopped his galloping thoughts. _Be reasonable. Act kingly_. “Alright. I will wait. I will contact Sister Nightingale and wait for her to confirm the rumors. Only then I will act and search her.” Teagan wanted to contradict, but a warning gaze from Alistair hit him. “You’ve done enough. See you tomorrow.” And Alistair threw Teagan and the servant his bed door in the face as he closed it with an angry jerk. He would certainly not find any sleep that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are appreciated as always :)


	7. Icy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!  
> Here we go again :)  
> I'm sorry that I take so long, I have actually written a lot, but without an editor I'm quite busy editing all the stuff. But I'll do my best - you keep me going!

The next day, Cullen stood up as early as ever. He loved the early morning hours when the sun just touched the most outstanding features of the landscape and slowly made its way up to the horizon. It meant that a new day had begun and with it, a new chance to fix this mess which was his life. The lyrium withdrawal was bad, claiming each night’s recreative sleep and bestowing him nightmares instead. But in the morning, all seemed forgotten until the headache kicked in. But until now, he was good. He thought about the day before and tried to investigate, why it troubled him so much. Yesterday, Cassandra had stumbled over his way. They would leave in a few days to the Hinterlands – with her. Just a few more days and it would be easier for him. He should felt relieved, a burden less to carry, but he didn’t. Although it was hard to imagine that he couldn’t keep his self-control around her as he strolled through an empty Haven to the training ground.

Just a few hours later, he was taught different. The commander had started the training of his men and women as usual with a run to improve their constitution. But as they returned, one of his training dummys was occupied. Cullen knew immediately who it was although he couldn’t see the person yet. The dummy was covered in a thick layer of ice and a wall of shivers of ice surrounded it. It was like being back at the circle: Mariella had mastered ice magic first there as well. Well, at least some of her skills had come back. Cullen decided that it would be the best to ignore her and turned his back towards her. He started his usual warm-up exercises but couldn’t resist and caught a glimpse of Mariella from time to time. She had begun to switch to other spells and tried hard to convince her staff to produce something else than ice. The sun rose high in the sky and the ice covering the dummy had melted a long time ago, gathering in a puddle underneath it, Cullen’s recruits were bathed in sweat and yet, she hadn’t made any progresses.

The commander had tortured his men long enough. “You are dismissed, we see each other after lunch. Well done.” He barked in a short command and his recruits scattered immediately while Cullen picked up the equipment. Through his thick lashed, he risked blinking at her and then he understood. She tried to produce fireballs and did a mistake she did all these years ago as well and nobody could tell her. She tried and tried again, studying the book next to her again and again, but nothing happened. It had been 5 hours of training for sure and the exhaustion was written in her face. A few people watched her closely and whispered in each other’s ears and giggled. Cullen would have liked to punch them in the face. He could see the resentment in her face that she was trying to hide, but she couldn’t deceive him. As a boy ran by and pointed at her screaming: “Mum, is this the woman who is supposed to save us?” her façade started to break away - it was all too much. 

She dropped her staff and walked away with a shattered expression, the blue eyes clouded with worry. Cullen could understand it. Not that she was just the only one being able to save them from the holes in the sky, no, everybody expected her to be the person she was so many years ago, with all her abilities, being a glowing idol of hope and thirst for action. But she was just a human as well. And the burden of being the Herald of Andraste was heavy enough. Cullen had watched her trying throwing fireballs a thousand times. It was the hardest spell to learn for her. It had broken his heart to see her trying so many times and fail. But she had never given up, not a second. After half an eternity, another mage was able to help her. She did everything right, but for some reason, she had to twist her wrist a little bit different than it was usually done. But the commander couldn’t stand the idea that she would have to try for another thousand times this time as well. Not with the burden of being the Herald and saving the world.

Before Cullen could restrain himself, he blurted after her: “You have to twist your left wrist in the opposite direction.” She turned around and Cullen bit his tongue and cursed himself that he had said something. Those blue eyes like to perfectly mountain lakes scanned his face with an unsure expression. “Excuse me?” In her voice was a hope like he had promised her to teach her how to fly. Cullen couldn’t let her down. He just couldn’t. “You must… you must twist your left wrist in the opposite direction – like this.” He showed her the movement with his own hands. It felt strange having her watched doing this motion for countless times and now doing it himself. Mariella bit her lower lip. “But the book says I should do it the other way.” “It can’t hurt to try, can it?”, Cullen said cautiously. He didn’t want to fully expose himself. She took a few steps, grabbed the staff and focused a training dummy. After a deep breath, she tried again to produce a fire ball. “A little more.”, Cullen commented.

Again, she took a deep breath, closed her eyes and opened them again in determination. As she fulfilled the movement, a giant fireball escaped her staff. It hit the training dummy, knocking it over and almost immediately pulverized it. She gasped in surprise and twirled around to look a Cullen. “It worked! Did you see that? It worked!” A relieved laughter escaped her lips and Cullen thought that it had been worth it if it had just was for her laughing. All the exhaustion and desperation had vanished from her face immediately. After a few moments, a surprised and suspicious gaze hit Cullen. “How did you know this? You are no mage.” Cullen had feared this question since he spoke the words. How should he explain? “I… well…” he grabbed his neck. “I just knew.”

Narrowed, blue eyes watched him closely and studied his body. “I know this movement. I’m sure I’ve seen it a hundred times.” She did… what? She remembered him grabbing his neck? It was a habit for as long as he could remember. “Well… You said you didn’t want to know.” This had saved him the last time they spoke, but it wouldn’t save him right now.  “I want to know now.” Cullen inhaled sharply. How should he explain? What exactly should he tell her? _Maker’s breath._ He decided to tell her as little as possible. “Well… you were… you were at a Circle before… it is hard to explain, because I don’t know what you want to know.” Cullen’s hand searched its way to his neck to do the movement that had revealed him, but he pulled it down. “Just tell me where we met.”

She had come closer and her scent hit him in the face and made him almost unable to speak. “At the Circle. We met at the circle. I was a Templar there and you were one of the mages.” She seemed to be satisfied by the answer and gave him a most heartwarming smile. “So, we _are_ old friends?” Cullen thought about the few words they exchanged in all these years, he thought about the one kiss they shared and about him stumbling and stuttering around her. “Not exactly.” His voice was like the ice she produced so easily. Why did he say that? To scare her off? “Oh…” He had hurt her. Cullen could see the disappointment in her eyes, but it was better this way. “Well… I will go and grab my lunch. See you later, commander.” But Cullen made sure they didn’t. Maker save him.


	8. A Red-Haired Cupid

Right after the encounter with the dashing commander, Mariella made her way to Leliana. Actually, she should have been happy that she mastered the spell after all, but the reaction of him washed the relief away with a single sentence. _Not exactly_. His words echoed in her head like a curse. What was this? What had happened? She had to know. If one person could tell, it was Leliana. The spymaster sat in her office, clenching a letter in her fist and with a dark expression covering her beautiful face. It lightened up as Mariella entered and she put the letter aside with a disgusted glance.

Carefully, Mariella closed the door with a clicking sound. “It is good that you drop by. There is something we should discuss. Something delicate…” Reading Leliana’s face, it could be no good. Mariella’s face darkened as well. First the commander, now this. Could this day become even more frustrating? A single, hot tear of anger rolled down her cheek. At once, Leliana’s arm was around her shoulder. “Mari, what is it? What happened?” Mariella inhaled and let go of all her anger and frustration. “I hate it! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! I hate that I am in this mess, I hate that I don’t remember who I am, I hate that everybody treats me like a leper, I hate that I have to relearn all my spells and I hate that I can’t help.” More tears of sadness, frustration and anger stung in her eyes.

“Nobody treats you like a leper, the people have respect that is all. And I understand that it is hard without your memories. But I will tell you everything, if you like to.” Mariella snorted disparagingly. “Better not. Considering the reaction of the commander, I was a terrible person. I wonder why you still talk to me.” Leliana froze in her movement. “How did you come to this conclusion?” “He treats me so… coldly… every time I try to approach him, he pushes me away like a pertinacious beggar – although he wouldn’t even push a beggar away. And I remember him. I must have treated him horrible to awake such annoyance regarding how caring the commander is with everyone else.”

Leliana pushed Mariella a little tighter to herself. “The commander has problems himself, I have an idea why he behaves so strangely. Don’t let him bother you so much. I am sure he doesn’t mean it personally. But why does it bother _you_ so much?” Mariella cleared her throat. Leliana really seemed to care and the commander said, she could trust her. In addition, she needed a good friend now more than ever. “Well… it could be… but you keep this to yourself, right?” Leliana nodded with a hint of a smirk. “It could be that I find him particularly handsome.”

The smirk Leliana tried to hide, brightened her face. “Well, in this case, I recommend talking to him. Talk to him about his and your common history and sooner or later he will melt like an ice block in the sun, I’m sure of it.” The smirk turned into a knowing smile. “How can you be so sure?” The tears had dried and the curiosity won the fight over Mariella’s feelings. “I am a spymaster. I know.”

Leliana walked swiftly to the fire place, throwing the letter in in the shining heat which she had held so tightly in her fist that it was crumbled. Both women watched as the ink letters were licked by the red and yellow tongues of fire only to be swallowed whole. “What are you doing?” Mariella didn’t understand. “Getting rid of an offer. We won’t need it regarding the new circumstances.” There was a mysterious smile playing around the bard’s mouth. “It won’t matter if I don’t understand this, right?” Leliana shook her head. “Don’t worry about it, I got everything under control.” After a few seconds of silence, Mariella cleared her throat. “Now that we have discussed my love life, what was it that you wanted to talk about?” “Oh nothing, the problem just solved itself.”

 

The next few days, Cullen made sure to see her as few as possible. He dodged the meal times, trained his recruits in the woods and buried himself in paperwork in the evenings. The morning she left with Cassandra, Varric and Solas to the Hinterlands, he allowed himself a short glimpse at her. As she caught his gaze, he nodded shortly and moved on. _Please, Maker, let her be safe. Shield her from any evil. I beg you_. The night before he had discussed almost for an hour with Cassandra. Although Cullen wanted her to be out of his way as much as he didn’t, he tried to convince the Seeker that she wasn’t ready. She would die. Bandits or demons would kill her for sure. And all Cassandra had said was “Have some faith, Cullen. She is capable of more than you know.” Cullen worked through the night and made plan to be sure that there were always soldiers in her reach, in case she needed them. Hopefully, this was enough. It had to be.

 

She had been away for a few weeks by now, gathering allies, securing resources and closing rifts. The longer she was away, the harder it got for Cullen. He missed her. In addition, his mind whispered in a voice which got louder everyday: _You can handle being around her. The attraction is not so strong. You can do it. She is just a girl. You promised to take care of her. And what do you do? You hide from her like a coward._ And one day, this tempting voice almost won. Cullen leaned over the map in the war room, circling thoughts about her occupied his mind.

Should he leave Haven and accompany his soldiers to build these watch towers? It was so easy, but he had a promise to keep. Deep down, Cullen knew, seeing her would turn his world upside down. It did then, it did now, and it always would be. “Do it.” A voice pulled him out of his thoughts. Cullen looked up and saw Leliana standing in front of him toying with the iron fist which symbolized his troops. “What… what do you mean?” Cullen tried to remain calm. Leliana was a spy master, but she couldn’t read his thoughts, could she? “You know exactly what I mean.”

A painful silence spread between them. This was Leliana’s tactic, she was trying to break him. The silence lasted and the only thing that filled the room were their calm breaths and the sound of Leliana’s gloves stroking over the iron of the symbol as she turned it in her hands over and over again like she was toying with him. The spymaster said nothing, she just looked at him with piercing eyes and continued breathing calmly. After some time which felt like an eternity, Cullen exhaled in annoyance, shattering the silence into pieces. “You don’t know what you are talking about.”

Cullen wanted to bend over the map again, but Leliana towered in front of him and grabbed his wrist, putting the symbol down on the map with such force that it produced a metallic crashing sound. If this wasn’t a subtle threat, nothing would ever be. “Cullen, there is no sense in trying to hide your feelings. I have seen you in the tower ten years ago, I have seen you with her here and I see you despair now. A blind fool could tell that you are in love with Mariella Amell. There is no point in pretending.” Cullen entangled himself from her grab. “If you remember the tower so well than you will remember what I said to her. I was an idiot. There is no way she could ever forgive me.” Leliana crossed her arms. “You know that is not the only reason.”

Anger rose in Cullen. Leliana was a spymaster. She knew his past probably better than himself – he saw no point torturing him with remembering every hurtful detail of his life shattering into pieces again and again. “Leave. Me. Alone.” the anger in his voice couldn’t be disguised as the words came out of his chest in a low, threating rumble. Cullen pushed himself away from the desk he had leaned on with both hands and walked towards the door. “Didn’t came it once into your mind that she needs someone who truly _cares_ for her and not for the idol she is supposed to be?” Facing his back towards Leliana, Cullen looked to the floor. “She has you.”

Leliana walked in his way, blocking the exit. “She knows. She remembers you being in her life. She suffers. She asks herself what she did wrong. And you are the reason. Do you really want this? No one expects you to confess your feelings, but be a friend. Talk to her. Listen to her worries. I ask nothing more of you.” Cullen pinched the bridge of his nose. Leliana recognized that she got to his weak point. But instead of blackmailing him, she continued in trying to convince him, almost begging. She had to really care for this woman. “Cullen,” her voice became much softer, “she can’t do this on her own. She needs every support she can get. And if she falls, you will fall, too, and you know it. If not for me or for her, do it for yourself. Save yourself by saving her.” Without saying one more word, Leliana turned around and left, leaving a confused and speechless Cullen behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for staying with me :)  
> I appreciate every Kudos, bookmark or comment!


	9. Suns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this will be one of the last slow burn chapter until things get tensed and complicated :D  
> thanks for staying with me :)

It took him the whole sleepless night to sort things out, but at the break of dawn he had decided that he would go to the Hinterlands to build the watchtowers with his men. This way, there was a small chance to see her. Maybe Leliana’s prediction was correct. Maybe keeping his distance was hurting them both too much. But this wasn’t the most relevant point. Leliana was absolutely right with a particular thing. If she fell, he would fall, too. It wouldn’t matter if he had kept his distance. If Mariella Amell died, he would die, too – at least at the inside. How much could a man suffer in his life? Losing the love of his life again, the third time, was definitely not bearable. He had been blind or not willing to see this. But he would start slow. Slower than slow. They both needed time to get used to each other again and he couldn’t allow his abilities as a leader to be compromised because of a crush. Even if this crush was Mariella Amell, Hero of Ferelden, Vanquisher of the Fifth Blight and Herald of Andraste. He didn’t even know if she ever felt the same for him. And there was still the connection to the king. Cullen could imagine that as soon as King Alistair found out about her whereabouts, he would gather each soldier and march to get her. Cullen exhaled frustrated. The Maker would have to lead him through this.

Cullen and his soldiers met with the Herald and her companions to build the watchtowers, which was more a coincidence than an actual plan, but Cullen was thankful for it. Because in the moment he saw her, he knew Leliana was right. She would always be his sun and he a helpless, small, irrelevant planet, circling around her. The center of his life. If this sun vanished, he would vanish, too. There was not much time for friendly, welcoming words, the Hinterlands were an unstable area and they would better be quick securing it by building these towers. As his men almost finished the first one, Cullen decided to take a few men and locate the next building ground. The Herald and her companions would accompany them. Cassandra didn’t let him take a calm minute before informing them over the recent movements and Mother Giselle. Cullen should pick her up and bring her safely to Haven. Now and then, he threw a glance at Mariella, who joked and laughed with Varric. Even Solas, the distant apostate, melted like an ice block in the mid of summer in her presence. Cullen heard something like “fade swallowed the taint” and “could be a healing for all grey wardens” and “don’t know what made it disappear fully”, but Cassandra occupied him and so he didn’t have a chance to speak with her.

They walked for over half an hour as they passed through a small canyon. The moment, they entered, Cullen’s senses rang like an alarm. Something was not right and it was not because of the screaming sounds of an animal in pain. Everyone drew their staffs and weapons as the marched forward. Ambushes were quite common here. Cullen told anyone to shut up and took the lead. They walked deeper and deeper in the canyon, only crashing pebbles under their feet and the screaming of the animal in their ears. The air was tensed and so were they. After a few hundred meters, the canyon became wider and revealed the source of the screaming. A baby ram had caught itself in the bushes with its horns and couldn’t get out. It screamed in desperation. Without thinking twice, Mariella made her way into the small rock fissure to help the pained animal. “Please, Herald, don’t go there. It seems like a trap!”, Cullen screamed after her. But it was too late.

As the bandits attacked, the first blade was quicker in her caster arm than she could throw her barrier. A scream in pain echoed from the narrow stone walls and blood painted the grey walls with red sparkles. As everyone of the party engaged, the bandits were quickly defeated, but her arm didn’t stop bleeding. Solas took a closer look at it as he searched for bandages in his bag. “It seems like they had poisoned daggers. It will take some time to heal. You should be more careful.” Nonetheless, Mariella freed the baby ram with the other hand.

The remaining places for the watchtowers were marked quickly. It was too late to return to Skyhold, therefore the set up their camp altogether. The sun had already disappeared under the horizon and after a quick dinner everyone had excused themselves to go to sleep. Everyone except Cullen. He couldn’t tear his eyes apart from the wound, the bandit had caused on Mariella’s arm. Even now, with her out of his sight, he was thinking about it while sitting on the fire. He had let her down. All the time in the Hinterlands, nothing had happened to her and then he showed up and she was almost murdered. What kind of commander was he? He couldn’t even protect her when she was an arm’s reach away from him. He had failed her before and he had failed her again, and he would probably do it again. Cullen teared his blonde hair. “Can’t sleep?”, said a warm familiar voice. Surprised, Cullen turned away from the fire. The flames had blinded his eyes, but he knew exactly who walked to him to sit just a few feet away. As she sat down, he could see that her bandage had the color of blood. “You should have let Solas change the bandage before you got to sleep.” She shrugged her shoulders. “Seems like I forgot.” Cullen looked in this blue eyes and nearly lost himself. He cleared his throat. “It is important that you do it. Otherwise you will get an infection. Promise me.” She nodded. “Come here.” Cullen put his gloves off. “I’m no healer, but I have changed bandages uncountable times.” He had never touched her without his gloves, never touched her at all since she was awake. Hopefully, she wouldn’t see his hands shaking.

Cullen touched her carefully. It gave her goosebumps. Hopefully, he wouldn’t see it. His fingers were soft and tender, unwinding the bandage caked with blood. It hurt but Mariella tried to keep a straight face. She didn’t want him to stop. Cullen pulled a wry face as he saw the wound and sighed. “What’s the matter?” He started wrapping around the new bandage. “It’s… it’s my fault you got hurt.” Her eyes widened in surprise. “Why should that be your fault? I was the one who wasn’t careful enough.” “I’m here to protect you. And I failed.” Mariella shook her head determinately. “I’m alive, Commander. That’s enough, don’t you think?” A long break settled between the two of them. “It was… well… what I mean to say is… that I’ve failed you before, you just don’t remember. I’m sorry, Herald, this won’t happen again.” Cullen bit his lip. He didn’t want to say that but he couldn’t get the words back.

Her fingers traced his cheeks, but she quickly pulled back. Maybe he felt uncomfortable under her touch, because he blushed. “You are here now. That is more than I can demand. You do a great job as far as I can judge. I don’t blame you for anything. And please stop calling me Herald, do you? We seem to know each other for a long time and I don’t like the title anyway.”

As he had finished wrapping the bandage around her arm, his finger lingered for just a few moments longer on her bare skin and sent shivers through her spine. Unfortunately, this moment was sooner over as she wished. He hadn’t responded to her words and Mariella feared, he never would. “I should go to bed. I will be travelling back to Haven tomorrow with Mother Giselle.” Mariella lost her expression for a moment. She had hoped that she would be able to spend more time with him. “So soon?” He smirked. “I have a lot of work to do thanks to you. And you have to go to Val Royeaux and the Stormcoast anyway.” The commander straightened up to his whole impressive height. Without his armor, his defined muscular body was indicated through the linen shirt. Mariella gulped and hoped, he hadn’t heard. “Good night.” Like a beautiful dream, Cullen disappeared quickly in the night, leaving only his appealing scent behind indicating that this hadn’t been a dream at all.

Mariella followed his example and crawled back into her tent. She tried to find some restless sleep, but all she could think was him. His blonde hair, his muscular body, his broad shoulder and those soft honey eyes that shone brighter than the sun. He was so different out here than in Haven. Maybe Leliana had talked to him. And he seemed to be troubled himself how he had behaved ten years ago, so she wasn’t the reason. Was there a chance that they… no… but… could they become friends? She swallowed. She would have to find out. The only thing she knew for sure, is that she couldn’t stop thinking about him and that her heart stumbled when he was around. But he was so handsome. A knight in a shining armor. A knight of the sun. He would never be interested in a girl like her. He was at least ten years older than her and she’d seen a lot of much more prettier and older women throwing an eye on the handsome commander. What was she compared to them? A small, irrelevant planet, circeling around a sun like so many others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally they talk to each other - phew!  
> Maybe you wonder why I'm so obsessed with the triangle story involving Cullen and Alistair. Well, besides that they are both hot and super cute, I played DA:I first and was stunned by Cullen. I decided to play a mage in DA:O just to be in the tower with him and wanted my char to date nobody else - until Alistair came along the way and then things got difficult.  
> What's your Alistair-Cullen-Story? Please let me know!  
> By the way, I started another fanfiction with these beautifuly boys - "deep desires" - check it out :)


	10. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys :)  
> I'm really really happy that so many are enjoying my story! It keeps me going :)  
> And now it's time to reveal the past.... Have fun and as ever, let me know what you think!

The weeks flew by quickly and she was more away than present in Haven. It was almost impossible to talk to her alone for a few seconds. There was always something more. Always another messenger with a task or an important information. Although Cullen should be happy about it, he wasn’t. In the Hinterlands, he let his carefully built façade slip away, because of Leliana’s advice and he wasn’t sure anymore if this was a good idea. Without being able to talk to her, he didn’t risk to expose himself too much, but he missed her company. In addition, they had argued about going with the Templars or the mages. She surely thought he had mistrust in her, because he was on the Templar side. That she was a mage didn’t help. He wanted to explain to her, tell her what happened, but she didn’t want to know and he didn’t want to tell and unless she did want to know, he had to remain patient and hope that their tender bound wasn’t destroyed by the arguing. In addition, if she knew what he did, what he said, she would avoid him for eternity.

This particular day, the arguing was the worst. Cullen wanted to talk to her so desperately. Explain her everything that had happened at the circle, maybe she would understand. But he didn’t. _Coward_. She had decided that she would approach the mages first. She wanted to give them a chance to prove their worth. He argued against it, said that he was afraid of her safety even with the company of this Tevinter, that if she wanted to go with the mages, troops should accompany her, but she refused. She said this would send the wrong sign. They were in the middle of another hot discussion as Ser Rylen required his attention regarding some important troop movements and supplies. With clenched teeth, Cullen left the war room. As he came back later, everything was decided and Mariella gone.

_Awesome, absolutely awesome, can it get any better?_ Cullen’s jaw tightened. He needed to talk to her, but she was nowhere to be found. Varric told him that she left with Dorian in the woods. _Dorian_. The thought alone of this Tevinter made his blood boil. He had walked into her life so swiftly, claiming all of her attention and courting her. They had been just three days in Haven together and there were already rumors that Amell and Pavus where a couple. _Great_. And he tried to talk her out of the mages evoking more distance between them. Until the dawn, Cullen’s thoughts didn’t stop circling around her and Dorian.

Cullen heard light paces approaching his tent. “Commander?” It was her soft voice whispering through the thick fabric. “Are you still awake?” It was her. What did she want at this late hour? “Come in.” Mariella looked as stunning as ever, taking his breath away and letting his heart jump out of his chest, making it impossible to say just something. They stared each other down until her voice broke the silence. “Would you like to join me for a walk?” Cullen cleared his voice. “A walk? At this time?” Cullen bit his tongue. This was the perfect opportunity and he was about to mess it up. “Yes, but I’ll go alone if you don’t want to.” Cullen shook his head determinately.  “No! No! I’ll accompany you.”

They walked in silence and only their footsteps breaking the silence between them. But after a while, Cullen’s thoughts became so loud he was almost sure she would hear it – so he asked. It couldn’t get any worse, could it? “This Dorian… he became a good friend of yours.” She laughed. “Yes, he is very special.” Cullen’s face darkened. “Yes, I noticed that.” She didn’t seem surprised. “Oh, did he made any approaches? I couldn’t blame him for this.” “Blaming him for what?” She blushed and looked away, so Cullen repeated his question. “Blaming him for what?” Obviously ashamed, she stared at her feet and took a few more seconds to answer. “For approaching you. You can’t neglect that you attract both, men and women.”

It took Cullen a moment to realize. It was like someone took all the weight from him and he was floating in the air. “Oh… oh!” Both of them blushed in embarrassment. Cullen’s heart wanted to burst. Not only that Dorian was gay… no… she found him attractive. They walked in silence for a few minutes, waiting for the embarrassment to fade away. She found her voice first. “Cullen, can I ask you something?” Cullen looked at her in surprise. He hadn’t seen that coming. Cullen. His name with her voice tasted like honey. “Everything.” “I trust you… and I trust you that you are completely honest with me. Was I different at the Circle? I mean, very different from the person I am now?” “No… no, you barely have changed.” “Could you tell me, how I was like?”

Cullen looked at here with a soft glance. “You could have never rejected someone who asked you for help, even if it was to your disadvantage. You were always willing to learn. You sat for hours and hours in the library, reading. Most of the time, you were the last person leaving and I literally had to drag you out.  You were… one of my charges. At least for a time.” One of Cullen’s most important memories stroke back.

_"You’ll get Amell, Ryers, Cameron and Malor as charges. Very easy ones for starters. Don’t make much trouble. You just have an eye on them especially. If they do something stupid, you’ll report it. If they do something suspicious, you’ll report it. If they do something dangerous, you’ll report it. Do you understand?” “Yes, Ser.” “But nonetheless, you are supposed to watch all mages. No fraternization is allowed, so no touching, no kissing, do you understand?” Cullen nodded. “Well, alright. Rules are clear. I’m going to show you your charges. After this, you can go to your quarters and make yourself a little comfortable. Follow me.” Cullen followed him through endless corridors and even more doors and staircases until they reached the library. “Amell sits usually on the window in the last section of the library. Nothing to be suspicious about in her case.” He was right. She sat in the last corner on a windowsill, diagonally to them. Her hair hung like a shimmering curtain from her head and covered her face. A big book laid on her knees and a long, small finger traced the lines she read. The other hand played with a feather. The sunset painted reflections in her hair and made the whole scenery look like a ridiculous perfect picture. “Amell, this is Ser Cullen. He will have an eye on you.” Finally, the girl looked up. Blue eyes looked through his soul and made him feel exposed. She gave him a shy but stunning smile. Maker’s breath. He definitely would have both eyes on her. In the moment, her eyes scanned his face and smiled, he was lost._

“What changed?”, she asked unknowing of the emotions she stirred. Cullen remembered the scene like it was yesterday and not more than 10 years ago. He remembered very clearly why he had gotten another charge. Another memory hit him in the face. _“_

_Ser Cullen, you will be dismissed as the guard of Amell. You’ll get another charge instead. Her harrowing will be the final time she will be under your responsibility. If she becomes an abomination, you will have to react quickly for all our sakes. This is your test, don’t mess it up. I noticed your… interest… for a while now. I never said something because I thought you wouldn’t be the one overstepping boarders. I’ve heard from your… well… kiss between the bookshelves. Don’t you think that you aren’t observed just because it is nearly midnight and no one else seems to be in the library. Don’t you ever forget that. Do you understand, Ser Cullen? Your duties must be the most important thing in your life. Ever. The Templars are the only family you’ve got. I will see you at her harrowing in an hour.”_

_I had a… a little infatuation on you, you know?_ It would be so easy to say and yet he didn’t. Although “a little” was a huge understatement. “Well… sometimes things change.” He made a short break and grabbed his neck. “Tomorrow is the big day, isn’t it? You are leaving for Redcliffe?” She nodded. “I hope the mages are willing to prove their worth. Only if the people see what good they can do, there is a chance for peace.” Cullen raised his eyebrows. He had never thought of it like that – a chance for the mages to prove themselves and to gain trust. Maybe she had a point, but still, it was dangerous. Cullen looked at her concerned. “I understand this, but…” he sighed, “Please, be careful. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

_“Please, be careful! I don’t want you to get hurt!” Mariella had reached out for a heavy book on the top of the bookshelf. It almost would have fell on her head if it wasn’t for Ser Cullen, holding the book in the last moment. He appeared just in the right moment in the right place, a knight in shining armor. His breath was going fast because he had jumped to help and hers was going fast too. Whether it was because she was nearly knocked down by a book or because of this handsome Templar, she didn’t know. For a while, the just stared at each other. The library was empty at that time, it was close to midnight. “You have beautiful eyes.”, he said with a low voice. Usually, his words stumbled out of his mouth when he was talking to her, but this time he seemed to be calm and confident. Mariella didn’t dare to say something. Her breath was stroking his face, she could feel it. The warmth of his body radiated even from under his armor. She didn’t dare to move an inch. This was the perfect moment, she thought, until his face came closer and closer and her heart began to stumble even more. Maker’s breath. What was happening? Inches from her face, he stopped, eyes closed. She hesitated. He didn’t move any further. Maybe he wasn’t sure if she wanted the same. But she did, she did since the day she saw him. She closed the last inches between them and their lips crushed together. A lightning bolt had struck her, she was certain. She felt dizzy, hot, but the feeling didn’t go away, but grew bigger until she realized that this was no lightning bolt she accidently triggered. It was him. He did this to her._

Carefully, Mariella shook her head and tried to hold on this memory. She remembered soft lips on hers, strong hands holding her back and her head. Mariella blushed as she looked at the commander. “Is everything alright?”, he raised his eyebrows. “Ah… yes, yes, it is.” Was it possible that she had kissed him? Him? This handsome ex-Templar? It seemed a bit odd by now, he was almost 13 years older than herself. The thought of him being interested in her seemed ridiculous. She was just a little girl with a mark on her hand, not even remembering her past. Maybe her mind was just tricking her, thinking this had really happen. Spinning this memory around some caring words.

A wolf howled not too far away and Mariella twitched, Cullen furrowed his brows. “We should better be going back. Leliana will kill me if I let the Herald of Andraste being killed by wolfs.” She laughed her angel like laugh. In silence with only the crushing snow under their feet, they walked back, both thinking about the talk they had and what it implied. Sooner than expected, they stood in front of Mariella’s cabin, after they had strolled through a deserted Haven. “Thank you, Cullen.” Awkwardly, they stared at each other. Cullen wanted to kiss her again so desperately but didn’t dare to. If he’d known that she was thinking the exact same thing, they would have get their happy end right away. But they didn’t. In a sudden movement, she kissed him on the cheek. The kiss was so hasty, it was almost nothing more than a light breeze in the night, but it lightened up Cullen’s life like a thousand suns.


	11. Spinning wheels

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys!  
> I know, I missed updating the story :(  
> Here a particularly long chapter - take it as an apology!

Worse, worst, Redcliffe. Time magic. Tevinter mages. Corypheus. Demon army. Leliana dead. It was a nightmare coming to live and devouring her with sharp teeth and claws. And then Cullen. She had found him in a dungeon, red lyrium growing inside him, aching in pain. He was more a statue than an actual human being, limbs heavy as stone, hard like marble. “Oh sweet demon, take me!” he had said as he had seen her, his voice just an echo of itself. “Cullen, it’s me!” He had laughed a bitter laugh that had shaken her at the core of her heart. “Of course it is you. The only demon I could never resist. And while I lost her again and again, let her down like all these years ago, I won’t lose her image reminding me of the things I have done.”

She had touched him, he was cold and looked her in the eyes, his copper eyes tainted red like blood. “Take me, demon. Show me the picture of the one I wanted, but could never have. The one, I’ve sent her into her death, because I was too proud to tell her the things that happened in the tower.” The more Cullen spoke, the less Mariella understood. She wanted to say something, give him hope, wanted to understand what he was talking about, but Dorian softly pulled she away. “We have to go. If we prevent this future from happening, he will never be here.” A salad of words echoed in her head _. I’ve sent her into her death, because I was too proud to tell her the things that happened in the tower. The one I wanted. while I lost her again and again._ Mariella needed to get her thoughts straight. She wasn’t able to fight, but the words were nagging in her head. What could have happened in the tower? But she had no chance to waste any more thought on her past, because the future demanded her full attention.

 And then she came back only to find more confusion. The king had come personally. The king she had no memory of. She knew, she may have overstepped her limits and the limits of the Inquisition, but it had been for the good of all Thedas. She had saved the world from an ancient magister. But the look, the man gave her, told her different. The handsome man studied her in disbelief, over and over again. She felt uncomfortable under his stare, covered in blood, clothes wet, the dark hair a mess. This was the king. Silence filled the air as nobody dared to say something. Not even Varric or Dorian. They stood there like in a painting, struggling to accept the reality that had hit them both. The shock froze everyone of her companions and even the guards of the king stared at her in disbelief. The king’s view fell on her necklace and the charm, then back to her face, again on the charm. Did she do something wrong? Sure, she looked like a dirty warrior, but this couldn’t be the reason, could it? Why was he looking at her this way? Did they know each other? Slowly, she remembered or at least she tried to. She did know this face. Maybe she had met him before, before she died.

King Alistair didn’t say anything more and kept staring at her with an expression she could not read, looking like a ghost. She could see that he was struggling to move or to say something, but he just stood there, his mouth open and something shimmering in his eyes like diamonds. Tears of anger? She didn’t know whether she was supposed to say something and no one else did either. Mariella did the only thing she thought was reasonable. She quickly made her way out the castle, away from his stare, avoiding more eye contact. She had obviously crossed some lines, maybe questioning his authority by her actions. Before she left the room, she yelled a short: “We won’t get in your way again, your majesty.”, before she closed the door and flew the steps down. A loud: “Ella, wait! Please! Ella! ELLA!”, echoed from the walls, but she was determined not to stop. After a short break, her companions followed her.

Suddenly, a memory stroke back. She didn’t know whether this was because of the time magic or it was really a part of her former life. She saw the handsome man, the king, fighting with her side by side. They were in a tower. And then she remembered. He was there with Leliana as well, naked by a fire, her first memory which came back. Leliana had told her something about a temple. Maybe she had been in his services. Did he fire her? Had she stolen the necklace with the rose or why was he staring at this? Whatever it was, she should better be quick in leaving Redcliffe. As if Corypheus himself chased them, they galloped towards Haven. No one of her companions dared to say a word about the encounter with the king and Mariella was happy about it. But the encounter had told her one thing: she had to close the breach fast or authorities would start to question what she did on their land.

He had heard that she had met King Alistair. Did she remember? Did she abandon him and every conversation they had? Every little blossom of affection that had begun blooming between them? The commander had not the time to think that much. As soon as the mages arrived, the preparations began and there was no leisure time, no sleep, no time to think for neither of them. The next memories he could remember, flew by like a spinning wheel. Marching mages, closing the breach, Mariella walking back to Haven, people celebrating. And in all this colorful, wonderful mess of a dream, she came to him. To _him_.

“Cullen, I know, for many it is a day to celebrate, but since Redcliffe… I can’t stop thinking about a certain thing. Can I talk to you?” Oh dear. She surely wanted to talk with him about Alistair. With him. He was the completely wrong person for this. Although he could have never rejected her. They walked in silence into the fresh night and the wheel stopped spinning. This felt real. Sincere. He felt more alive than in years. A cold chill played with strands of her hair, but she barely seemed to notice it. “I wanted to talk with you about the things that happened in the tower. You said something to me in-” Oh no, oh no, she remembered what he said. That was even worse. She was interrupted by the shrilling sound of the alarm bell and then the wheel begun to spin again. Attacking templars, fleeing people, fighting soldiers, retreating to the chapel and then this tragic moment. The moment, the doors shut down and she was out there, Cullen felt numb.

The whole way up the hill he fought a fight against himself. If it wasn’t for the Inquisition and Chancellor Roderick leaning against him, he’d turn around and go back to find her. But he couldn’t. He was the only one with a proper military training and experience in this sort of situation. He forced himself to not look back. If he could see here, he would probably let Chancellor Roderick down and run back. Just as they walked through the tree lines, he looked around. Nobody was about to giving the sign.  Impatiently, he grabbed a bow and set the arrow on fire. She needed every second he could give her. He turned around to look at Haven. In his life, he had seen many terrible things. The chaos in the Circle. The blight. Kirkwall in chaos. But nothing of all the events compared to this. Cullen couldn’t see anything; they were too far away. But he knew it. She was down there. Alone with her companions. Probably in front of the dragon. He turned his back against her. Once again. Probably forever this time. Words spun in his head. _Promise me to come back – I promise_. Her last words _. I promise_.

Was this a promise she could keep? Cullen wasn’t sure. He wanted it to be true so badly, but he knew the odds. To get distracted, he prayed the chant of light. Over and over again. Until they found a place to rest. He chopped he firewood himself, to allow full bent of his anger and fear. She was the Herald of Andraste. How could Andraste allow such things to happen? He tried not to think too much about it. They set up the camp right in time. The howling wind told them that a giant snow storm was coming. As soon as they placed some guards around the camp, Cullen stormed to Cassandra: “Tell Leliana to send out her agents! I will send out my remaining men! We must find them! Move!” Cassandra looked at him with big eyes. “Cullen, there is a snow storm out there! They will die for sure and not reach anything! We must wait for tomorrow or nothing will be left of the Inquisition that the Herald could lead!”

Leliana heard their argument “I will search for volunteers which are gladly giving their lives to find the Herald.” “No! She would not want that! We will take care of the wounded and wait. That’s the best we can do for now. She would not want the Inquisition to break apart. Mariella went out there to this dragon to save us all. If we die now, we are dishonoring her sacrifice!” Although Cullen hated it, he knew Cassandra was right. He wished she wouldn’t. They waited. They didn’t know for what they waited exactly. For a sign, maybe, to go and get them. Or for some horses on the horizon with the people who went to defend the Inquisition: Varric, Blackwall, the Iron Bull – and most important, the Herald.

The Commander was walking up and down the campsite. The snow fell in big flakes and painted his armor white. Most of the people were inside their tents. “Cullen, you’ll drive us all mad.” Cassandra said a little harsher than she intended to. “They will come back - she will come back. She always does.”, she said, more speaking to herself.  “Andraste watches over her. And there is Varric. And Blackwall. And the Iron Bull. They won’t let her down. They won’t leave her.” _Maker, please let her be alive. I don’t beg for much, but please let her alive. Do not call her to you, we need her_ , Cullen thought. He was too aroused to speak a prayer to Andraste or the Maker. He just walked up and down the campsite, searching for a sign of any of them in the falling snow. A ball of panic manifested itself in his belly, burning and nagging. Where was she? What, if she didn’t come back? What, if she laid there in Heaven, between ruins and needed help?

It would take forever to find her, even if he commanded all his men to do so. By the time they’d found her, she’d be dead, frozen in this cold winter storm. The thought about it ripped him apart. After half an eternity, black spots rose slowly on the horizon up in the hills. It was hard to recognize because a wall of falling snow blocked their sight. “A horse, bring me a horse!”, Cullen shouted. He did not wait a second for this horse. It took him too long. The snow was too high anyway to get through it with a horse. “You, you and you!” he pointed on some guards, “you are coming with me! You”, he pointed on another guard: “go and tell Cassandra and Leliana that someone is coming!” He started running through the knee high snow. His boots became wet and heavy, but he ignored it and focused the spots on the mountain ridge.

The cold wind bit his face, causing a pain like thousand needles stinging, but he didn’t recognize it. He ran so fast the guards could hardly follow him. While he came nearer, the panic became to rise to a monster inside his belly, eating him from inside out. He just saw three persons coming. A big one with horns, a tall man and a little figure. Not the fragile and well-shaped figure of Mariella. Varric, Blackwall and the Iron Bull came in reach. They looked horrible. Dark blood was spilled all over their armor and weapons. Snow was all over their coats and strands of the beard of Blackwall were frozen. Their lips were blue like they were already dead. Cullen looked behind them, but nobody else was coming. The panic grew bigger. He looked at Varric, with a desperate look. He didn’t have to say the words, Varric knew exactly what he wanted to know. “She refused to come with us, Curly. I’m sorry.“ Varric said in a calm and sad tone.

“There was this giant dragon-demon-thing coming right at us. She wanted to handle this on her own and send us away. She insisted. We ran and half the way up the hill, we found a little cavern to get cover from the avalanche she launched to kill this demon and the elder one. We dug our way out and fought our way to come here. Haven is buried in snow. It is impossible she survived. I’m so sorry.” It was like something exploded right next to him. Every limp of his body felt numb. His vision blurred and his ears were ringing. He knew the chances were low. But he didn’t let the thought of her dying taking over. But now he had certainty. She sacrificed herself before and she did again.

She told them to run – she wanted to handle this on her own and didn’t want anyone to get hurt – except her. And he didn’t even have the change to tell her, what she meant to him. Instead of letting her promise to come back, he should have said that she meant the world to him. That he would follow her into this unwinnable battle to be at her side and he would have, if she didn’t have sent him away to save the others.

He would go search for her. And just if it was to recover her body. She deserved a proper funeral more than anyone. He brought Varric, Blackwall and the Iron Bull to the camp and then he went to pack his things. A torch, a rope, something to eat, a warm blanket, that was all he need. “What are you doing there?”, Cassandra asked him. “I’m going to search for her. We can’t risk many men, but I’m alone. Additionally, I know the region. I am the only one who has a chance to find her.” He moved, but Cassandra blocked his path. “I can’t let you go. You are too important to the Inquisition. You will die out there.” “Cassandra, get out of my way!” “Cullen, I have let you captured and bound to a tree, if I have to! I swear. You know I’m serious! I’ve already trouble with holding Leliana here! Don’t make this much worse!” And he knew she was serious. He let his backpack drop to the ground.

All his hope was gone. Powerless he dragged himself to the fire and sat down, burying his face in his hands so that no one could see his desperation. Cassandra laid a hand on his shoulder. “It is not over, Cullen. We’ll go in the morning and find her. She is smart, she is strong. Maybe she found a way. Andraste is with her. She won’t let her down.” He looked up. Everything around him reminded him of her. The fire, the wooden bank, even the dark green tents. All his life he had an idea what to do. Even after the explosion in the temple of sacred ashes. But now, what could he do? None of his military training had prepared him for that. He did the only thing he could do. He began to pray the prayer for the despairing. Over and over again.

“Commander, someone is approaching the camp. It seems like a woman. Maybe it’s…” The guard did not have the opportunity to finish his words. Cullen leapt up and started to run. There was a thin figure at the horizon, slowly making her way through the snow to the camp. She was bending over, having trouble holding her on the feet. He ran. Short before he could reach her, she sank unconsciously in the snow. “There, it’s her!”, shouted Cullen. “Thank the Maker!”

\-------------------------------------------

The snow was howling in her ears and whispered the promise she made over and over again. The promise to come back and to survive the attack. Before she had shut the chantry doors, a desperate Cullen had watched her leave and had her made promised too much. Nonetheless, Mariella was determined to fulfill this promise – for him. It was the only thing that kept her on her feet through this ice cold winter storm. Strands of her hair were caked in blood and frozen, the memory of Corypheus staring at her burnt in her head. A silent voice told her: _You’ll die anyway. Corypheus will kill you. He will hunt you down and he will kill you. Just give up now. It is so much easier. You won’t put your friends in risk that way._ But she fought back the voice and moved on. Every muscle ached, she couldn’t count her open wounds and it was so cold. She was so tired, eyelids heavy as dragon eggs.

It would be so easy to just rest a little bit in a little cavern. But she knew if she sat down, she probably wouldn’t stand up ever again. Somewhere not too far away a wolf howled with the storm with a promise to find her weak body and rip all limbs apart. Promise. There was the promise. She had promised Cullen. She had promised to come back and she had promised to be safe. _One step at a time_. The cold wind bit in every revealed skin and her feet were just a numb pair of flesh limbs, frozen to the bone. _Just another step_.

With no stars, no trees and no mountains to get a clue of the direction she was heading, Mariella stumbled slowly forward. It didn’t take long until she was just a white silhouette, covered in a thick layer of frozen snow and ice. The snow fought against her, held her back and tried to bring her to fall down. It was ironic that the first spell she had ever learned was an ice spell. How should they find her?

After sometime which felt like an eternity, she almost gave up as a little to her left hand side a place of an old campfire appeared, not older than probably 5 hours. It couldn’t be too far, could it? _Just another step._ Probably about more than six hundred steps more, Mariella was shivering so hard that she almost wasn’t able to walk another step. Her teeth clapped together like blinds in a cabin on the stormcoast. There was no way she could walk any further. But the promise. She bit her lower lip until red blood ran down her chin, just to be frozen immediately. _Just another step_.

Her power was drained from her like water from a wet piece of cloth in the sun and wind. Her willpower was still there but her body refused to move just another centimeter. As she stood there just for a few moments, shivering in the cold storm which pulled and pushed her like a leaf in fall, her knees protested and she sank in the snow. It didn’t matter how much she tried to stand up, her body wouldn’t follow her command. This was the end. Her glowing green mark the only company in her last minutes. It had fulfilled its duty – the breach was sealed. Maybe this had been her destiny all along. Closing the breach and dying doing so. With a last, desperate attempt she tried to crawl forward, but collapsed in the cold snow.

Maybe freezing was not the worst kind of deaths. The snow caroused her skin and welcomed her with cold arms. Her eyelids were heavy. _Maker take me_. Slowly, it was getting warm. She saw a clearing in the green Hinterlands, warm sunshine warmed her face and the birds were singing. “There! There she is!” Oh sweet death. She heard a lot of stories about dying. People saw their loved ones or saw their life pass. It was nice that her mind mimicked Cullen’s voice one last time. “Thank the Maker!” that was Cassandra’s voice. Why Cassandra? She was a friend, yes, but what was with Leliana? Mariella tried to look around, but her head was so heavy and no one else was in the little clearing in the Hinterlands.

“Herald!” Cullen’s voice again, it seemed much closer now. Why was there always duty first? Even in her death dream? That was not fair. “Is she dead?” Eventually the afraid voice of Leliana. Her mind could be a little kinder. This weren’t the last words she would want to hear from Leliana either. “Mariella!” Cullen’s voice was so close she could swear he was standing just a few meters away. He sounded desperate, but relieved at the same time.

Suddenly, the Hinterlands were shaken by an earthquake. The birds stopped singing and the trees faded. “Mariella!” The warm sun disappeared and instead a dark white mass fell over her, claiming her whole body and hurting her with cold fingers. “Mariella! Stay with me! Open your eyes!” The earthquake didn’t stop until she realized, it was Cullen shaking her. “Let me sleep.” She murmured. “She is conscious, but she is badly wounded.” Strong arms lifted her up and pulled her close.

“You are safe with me. You will be fine, I promise.” Cullen’s scent hit her nose and it was getting cold again, but the little radiating heat of him made her heart warm. In this moment, Mariella realized that she wasn’t in the Hinterlands. She was still in the snow, but Cullen had found her. Everything would be alright. A heavy coat was draped around her frozen body. “Cullen?” Her muffled voice was almost unhearable through the collar fur she had buried her head in. “Yes, Mariella?” His voice was terrified, but the relief started to break through the thick surface of terror. “I held my promise.” He pulled her even closer to his chest if this was any possible and walked quicker through the knee high snow. “You did.” He whispered in her hair.

The iron smell of blood in her hair covered her usual scent of dawn lotus and Andraste’s grace, but it was still there under a thick layer of the smell of a lost battle, blood and burnt flesh. She was still there. _Thank the Maker_. “I am so tired and it is so cold.” She complained in a low, silent voice that only Cullen could hear. “Hold on only a little longer, alright? We will soon be there. Just a little longer. Everything will be alright, trust me.” A small laugh escaped her tired lips that was more like a cough than an actual laughter. “The first time we spoke, you said I shouldn’t trust you.” Cullen almost laughed, because she remembered this. He had been so foolish back then. How should, how could he ever stand away from this woman? She meant the world to him. The last, horrible, terrified hours, he had realized again that he didn’t want to let all those happy moments being taken away from him because a false sense of duty or shyness.

The events of Haven had showed him that his abilities weren’t compromised because of her. There was no reason to stay away from this beautiful creature. He would no longer hold back. If she wanted him as a friend, he would be perfectly happy with it. Cullen didn’t dare to hope for something more, but this was enough at the moment. She was alive and that was the only thing that mattered. “You can. You can rely on me. I will always be there.” “Good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You like it?  
> Leave me a Kudos or a comment :)


	12. Old memories and new beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because it took me so long for the last chapter, the next one comes quicker :)  
> This story has over 100 Kudos by now - thank you so much, guys! This moves me and means a lot to me - and it makes writing for you easier ;)  
> Here you go with the next chapter!

The healers had been really caring and as soon as Cullen had entered the camp, Adan ran to help with Solas and a few others. But Cullen had refused to let someone else carry her and had brought her to a tent personally. As the healers conducted their work, he hadn’t left her tent just once and stood quiet and patient in a corner, turning around as they got to her private parts to unclothe her. But he never left her, not once. Adan tried to shoo him away, but just earned a dark glance and a rumbled: “I am the commander – I stay.”

Long after everybody left, a steel figure still sat next to her. Cullen had used his cape as an additional blanket for Mariella and watched her weak breathes, one after another. It was almost the next morning. He had sit her for more than twelve hours and hadn’t slept for two days. Adan had showed up now and then, but he was long fully asleep now as well, just like all the others. Cassandra and Leliana had stopped by, but they hadn’t slept for so long as well and went to bed.

He was the only one left, but he wouldn’t leave her. Not, when she needed him the most. Mariella groaned with pain in her sleep and seemed to have an uneasy dream. Without thinking twice, Cullen took her hand and rubbed soothing circles over her white knuckles. He wondered what she dreamt of or whether she dreamt at all. He knew nightmare just too well.

_She stood in a room in full battle armor and could hear the sound of the battle from outside. Her staff was strapped to her back and she seesawed impatiently from one foot to another. The door flew open and Alistair, Kind Alistair Theirin, entered. He looked younger, less wrinkles saddening his eyes. His face was grim, but it brightened as he saw her. A grey warden armor covered his body as well and he looked determined._

_“It is time to go… But I want to give you something first.” Alistair came slowly towards her and walked behind her. “Put your hair aside.” She did as he told her and something cool caressed her neck. Her hand reached up to feel it. It was a necklace with a pendant._

_“What is this, Ali?”, she heard herself say. He walked around her and placed a kiss on the crown of her head, holding her head carefully like a dove with his strong hands covered in leather. “Do you remember that I asked you to give me the rose back yesterday? I had Wynn let it shrink, freeze and transformed into a pendant.” He looked deeply in her eyes and her knees went weak. “I thought, a necklace comes in handier while fighting than a ring.” A soft smile played around his lips._

_“Mariella, Alistair, are you coming? We have to go!”, Leliana’s voice. His eyes were full of love and despair. “I am afraid, Alistair.” The sound of battle raged outside, but it was like the time was frozen for them inside this room. “This archdemon won’t get you, my love, I promise. You won’t die._ We _won’t die.”_

Suddenly, Mariella opened her eyes and looked around confused. She wasn’t in this room with the king any longer. She was in a green tent, only a small candle brightening the room. Every fiber of her body hurt and her head threatened to explode. She felt awful like a building had crushed her. Well, it actually had as far as she could remember. But there was something different. Someone held her hand and rubbed soothing circles in it.

Only then she recognized a man sitting next to her. He hadn’t notice that she was awake and stared at her hand and his intertwined on the blanket. Dark circles were painted under his honey eyes and his lips were dry like he had strolled through a desert for days. His hair wasn’t any longer restrained and wild curls framed his sorrowful face. There was still some blood and dirt in it. He must have sat there for hours. The lion of Ferelden. “Cullen?” her voice was hoarse and just little more than a whisper.

Like a little boy discovered with his hand in the cookie jar, he let go of her hand and looked at her caught. But just a second later, his face was covered in relief and concern. His brows furrowed and he looked with her in worry. “Mariella, you are awake.” She smiled a weak smile. “Obviously.”, but just after she said that, she started coughing. At once, Cullen offered her water. Not till then she recognized how thirsty she was. She drank the water until the last drop and Cullen gave her more, until she felt fine. Well as fine as she could feel regarding the circumstances.

An awkward silence spread between them. Cullen grabbed his neck as he always did when he was nervous and jumped up. He looked so tired as he hadn’t slept in days. “Well… do you… do you need anything else?” Another smile covered her tired face. “It is enough when you stay just for a few minutes longer.” He sat down and avoided her gaze. After another while, he started talking. He had to tell her.

“Before we were attacked… you wanted to talk to me about the tower. You don’t have to. I know, I have let you down back then. And then the attack on Haven. This was my fault. I’ve should have been prepared for the red templars…” he made a short break. “I was so afraid that I’d lost you again. And every time, I could have done something.”

Cullen inhaled and went with his fingers through his ruffled curls. “There is nothing I can do to make the events forgotten, but… I can apologize – for one time at least. Mariella, what I said at the tower… I’m so terribly sorry. I wasn’t myself at that time.”, Cullen tried to explain.

“What you said doesn’t matter now. I just remember fragments of what happened at the tower. The past has lost its impact on me, I live now. “ She smiled, but Cullen froze. This meant, she didn’t remember or she didn’t want to. Anyway, the result did stay the same. There was no hope for them, not even a little spark. Now, he was a lot older than her, an old man in her eyes, he was sure of it. More than ten years separated them. Although she had been his last hope to be happy. In Kirkwall, he tried a few times to be with a woman in a desperate attempt to reproduce the feeling he’d had with her, but after four or five women he had given up. It was just not possible.

“I should go find some sleep. My men will need my guidance tomorrow. And you should be asleep as well. Tomorrow, the whole camp will be over you.”, Cullen heard himself say. She didn’t react. He stood up and Cullen was about to head to his tent as he heard her voice. “Wait!” Mariella said and walked after him with a few, slow, painful steps. “You should stay in bed! You need more rest than any of us!”

She didn’t stop and she walked towards him slowly. Before she could reach him, she tripped in her weak status and almost fell. But Cullen’s arms held her firm in place. Unhasty, she looked in his honey eyes. He still held her with his strong arms and his scent hit her nose. For a small eternity, nothing happened. They just stood there, Mariella in Cullen’s arm, candle light painting shadows in their faces disguising their expressions, eyes locked.

“Where erm…. Where did you get the scar on your lip?”, she mumbled to break the silence. “In Kirkwall. I couldn’t sidestep fast enough and a sword hit me with its tip.” He wanted to move away, but her stare kept him in place and he didn’t even dare to drop his hands from her hip. Slowly, Mariella reached out her hand and softly traced his scar at his upper lip with her index finger and continued to his lips and...

The moment, she realized what she was doing, she tried to pull her hand away quickly, blushing to a deep shade of red. But Cullen grabbed her hand as she tried. “Don’t.”, he said, his voice almost just a whisper in the wind. Carefully, he put Mariella’s hand on his cheek and he leaned in her touch, closing his eyes. Was it really possible? Was it too daring to… Mariella’s body reacted before she had finished the thought.

Her other hand went up to his cheek, softly caressing along his cheekbone to his jaw. And then something happened so fast she couldn’t even withdraw. Cullen cupped her face with both hands and came closer to her, until his soft lips pressed cautiously on hers. Mariella gasped and her knees became weak. She collapsed again in the commander’s arms, but he caught her and held her close. “I got you.”, he whispered near her ear. “I should… I should…” now Mariella was the one stuttering. “I should go to my bed.”

Without another word of her, Cullen swept her up and carried her back to her bed. Carefully, he tucked her into the blankets and looked at her with a soft smile. “Good night, Mariella. It is good to have you back.” As he went out of the tent, she whispered a “Good night, Cullen.” Before she drifted into the fade again.

\------------------------------------

The night had fallen on Denerim and the cloudy sky allowed no star light to shine through. Alistair sat only in the shine of a few candles at his private desk in his chambers. Mariella had still not replied to any of his letters, but he would not give up. Not knowing that she was alive.

Her behavior in Redcliffe was unexpected, but completely understandable. She was still mad, the pain he had caused her was too big. Even in case she never wanted to see him again, the relief that she was somewhere out there was greater than the pain. But he would try to ask for her forgiveness and he would never give up to ask unless she would tell him otherwise.

Alistair had even read some books about the greatest love letters, but it seems they didn’t help. He heard hasty steps flying down the hall, more than one pair of feet. Approaching his door, they slowed down. Alistair’s heart started burning in a hint of dark anticipation. Nothing good happened at nightfall when someone was approaching him in his chambers. It was almost like a god written rule.

His hand clenched the quill and he spilled ink all over the paper, leaving blue drops like tears. Finally, someone knocked carefully. “Come in.” An apprehensively looking Teagan entered hesitating with his spy master. Gregor was always looking grim but in comparison to right now, the weather outside was bright sunshine.

Alistair’s heartbeat started to run away. No, no, no, they wouldn’t tell him what he feared they would. No, no, no! Not after all this! Teagan opened his mouth slowly. “My king… I… We… have news. From Haven.” Silence again. Alistair was sure, if silence was able to kill someone, it would kill him right now. Only the breath of the three men mixed with the sound of the crackling fire. It was like the whole world had fallen silent for this very moment.

“Better tell me quick.” Teagan tried to say something, but he couldn’t. Gregor took over. “Your majesty, a raven arrived a few minutes ago. Haven was under attack by an ancient magister. They fought well, but at the end a dragon caused an avalanche burying everybody in the valley. Haven is destroyed. There are no reports about anyone surviving. I am so very sorry, your majesty.”

“But… but it could be that she was not there, right? Maybe she is in the Hinterlands, maybe she is in Redcliffe, maybe she is safe!” Alistair hold himself so tightly to this last spark of hope. Gregor swallowed. “I am sorry, your majesty. There are reports about the Herald fighting the magister. She was there, in Haven. I am really sorry.” In this moment, Alistair’s world went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Alistair.... :'( It is quite hard for him, poor guy.  
> I was thinking about posting a song which matches the chapter with each one. Maybe I give it a shot with the next one.


	13. Desperation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey fellows!  
> This chapter will be dark and full of suicidal thoughts. Please don't read it, in case this troubles you. If you have such dark thoughts, search for help and it will be better - I promise. Suicide or alcohol is never an option or solution to anything.
> 
> https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

“Out.”, whispered Alistair. “Your majesty?”, asked Gregor. “OUT! Both of you!” “But Alistair-” Teagan made a few steps forward. “I SAID OUT!” With a horrible bang, he threw the door close after Teagan and Gregor had stumbled out backwards. Alistair screamed loud as this could make the pain bearable. He screamed and started to wreck his room. He knocked chests over with his strong arms, teared pillows apart, threw every piece of glass he could find on the ground, took his hidden sword and chopped his bed to little pieces. Pieces of wood flew around and mixed with broken glass on the floor. He laid everything in ashes, except her picture and Duncan’s shield.

As he saw the red roses on the ground, covered in dust, wood and glass, pedals destroyed, because he had trampled on them, tears mixed with the sweat which was running down his face and he began to cry. He sank to his knees, splinters of glass bored into his knees and his red blood covered the pieces, but he didn’t care. He covered his face as that could make this world vanish. He cried and he cried, until he was too exhausted to cry anymore. Alistair just laid himself on the remnants of his destroyed room and stared at the ceiling, until the fade demanded his presence and he fell asleep.

The next morning, no one dared to enter his room, not even Teagan. Alistair just laid there on the floor and didn’t move. Why should he? There was nothing left he could live for. Short after midday, a few maids slipped silently in and started cleaning up his room, but Alistair didn’t move an inch. He just laid there in the pieces of his life. In the evening, his whole room was equipped with new furniture. A healer had taken care of his knees and lifted him into the new bed with the help of Teagan. No one had dared to say a word to him. In the world outside, the dawn painted the sky blood red.

“Your majesty” a soft and silent voice spoke to him “you should drink something. At least a little.” It was his healer, Malowin. The first person who had spoken to him since the incident. “Bring me wine.” Alistair’s voice was hoarse and those of an old man, exhausted of his life. “Your majesty, I suggest drinking water. To drink wine in your condition will only make it worse.” “Bring. Me. Wine.” “As you wish.”

Nobody entered his room or dared to speak to him. The maids brought wine and food in the morning and the evening, but the food was always untouched. Their gaze was attached to the floor and they didn’t dare to look him in the eyes. But why should they? They only would have found emptiness in the king’s eyes. The curtains prohibited any sunlight to enter and made his quarters a dark grave and in the middle of it Alistair, buried in sadness and despair. Officially, the king had a bad cold but would be better soon, although the whole court knew different.

Word had spread about the Hero of Ferelden and the attack of Haven. A few nobles sensed their chance to marry their daughters off to the king, but he was nowhere to be seen and the wine cellar was emptier every day hinting to the obvious. Teagan tried a few times to speak to Alistair, but he sent him away by throwing bottles on the door as soon as Teagan entered. His only companion remained the wine he drank. Alistair didn’t care. He didn’t care at all. A new blight could spread and he wouldn’t care. He was just a shadow. A vessel of memories he wished to relive.

On the fourth day, the headache was the worst and for the first time in days, Alistair drank water. As he reached for the glas, a soft chuckle came out of a corner. “I’m glad you finally stopped drinking. You are horrible, when you are drinking, Ali.” In shock, Alistair rose his gaze. The darkness had made him blind and the alcohol did the rest. He could see no one in the room, he just saw the door closing.  “Hello? Is there anybody?”

Again the soft chuckle. The chuckle he would recognize in a hundred years from now. This couldn’t be. His mind tortured him and played evil tricks. She was dead. This just couldn’t be. A small figure emerged from the shadows with dark hair and blue eyes, a shy smile playing on her face. The few light beams which came through the curtains painted her face even more beautiful than he remembered it. “It’s just me.” she just said. Alistair gasped.

 “Mariella? That cannot be. You are dead!” She looked hit. “I’m coming back to you and you are blaming me to trick you? Ali, you’ve clearly seen better times. Come on, stop drinking and get up. We have a lot to catch up.” Alistair still couldn’t believe it. This must be a dream. Or a demon. Or a demon in a dream – anything, but reality. But there she stood - in his room in Denerim.

“But the attack on Haven…” Mariella stepped forward and came closer. He could see her lake like eyes and the shimmering brown hair. It was her. It was really her. No demon, no dream. It was his love. “I survived. Is that so surprising? I already survived an archdemon. An ancient magister can’t kill me so easily.” she winked and presented him the most adorable smile. Alistair tried to get up – not an easy task with still a lot of alcohol pumping through his veins instead of blood. “But why are you here? You didn’t reply to any of my letters. I thought… I thought you were still mad at me.” He stumbled and fell back into the bed, but never lost his focus on her.

“I missed you. I missed you so much. After the attack, I dreamt of you. I waited till I recovered and then I made my way here as quickly as it was possible.” He stood on shaky legs and made a few steps in her direction, but she walked backwards. “And the inquisition?” she smiled again. “The inquisition can wait. You are the only thing that matters to me.” He tried to catch up with her, but the closer he came, the more she walked backwards. “Wait, Ella!” She smiled, opened the door a bit and said “Catch me, if you can.” And then, she disappeared and walked out of his room.

Alistair started to follow her with shaky steps. As he opened his door, the bright sunshine made him blind and made his headache worse. He stumbled backwards, but remained focus. He couldn’t lose her again. With pure power, Alistair forced himself to open his eyes. He saw a piece of clothing disappear behind a corner and started to run. His steps echoed in the hallway and sounded like a stone avalanche. His head threatened to explode with the hangover, but he kept running.

Around the corner, he saw a woman with dark hair who flew hasty down the hallway. Alistair ran, grabbed her by the wrist and forced her to turn over. Green eyes stared at him with fear. Alistair stumbled backwards in shock. This wasn’t Mariella. “Where is she?” Alistair grabbed the girl harder on her wrist. “I don’t know what you mean, your majesty.” Alistair grabbed her even harder. “I know you must have seen her! Where is she?” Tears spilled from the green eyes of the maid. “You are hurting me! I don’t know what you mean, your majesty, I swear!”

“What is going on?” Teagan’s firm voice echoed through the hallway like a curse. It was a miracle how he could always be there where Alistair was. Alistair let go of the wrist and the maid stumbled in the direction of Teagan. “I’m sorry, ser, it wasn’t my fault! I entered the quarters of the king to bring him food and vine and he talked to me and called me Mariella. I put the trey down and fled, but he followed me. I’m sorry, ser, but I didn’t do anything wrong!”

More tears flew down her cheeks. Alistair stumbled backward until hard stone hit his back and he leaned on the wall. An illusion. It was just an illusion. She was dead. For real. He would never see her face again. He would never feel her soft skin again. He would never hear her laugh again. He would never be happy again. He would never get rid of the pain again. Alistair felt as someone ripped him into pieces again and again. An Avaar could have cut his heart out of his chest, it wouldn’t have made any difference. No alcohol in whole Thedas could make him feel numb again and drown the pain.

Teagan’s voice pulled him back into this very moment. “Don’t worry. The king is not feeling so well with his medication. Here.” Teagan gave the maid a few coins. “You will be working in another part of the palace and never lose a word about this incidence, understood?” The maid stopped crying, nodded and disappeared. Teagan looked at Alistair disapproving.

“Alistair, you smell like a thousand drunken fools and you look like them as well. This can’t go on like this! People are starting to talk. Go back to your quarters until you are sober! You disgrace your image! Something has to change! You already mourned for 10 years. Enough is enough. Some more incidents like this and you will be named ‘the mad king’ in history books. Tomorrow, I want to see you back on the throne! You have a duty to fulfill!”

Hard stone bored itself in Alistair’s back, but he didn’t recognize it. His chest was filled with hot pain and the certainty that Teagan was right. Something had to change. But he wouldn’t be back on the throne. He couldn’t. He couldn’t go through all this pain again. In this moment, Alistair decided to end his life.

The next day, Alistair sat on his throne again and only the dark circles under his eyes told about the last, painful days. He acted like every other day in his life as a king. He made decisions, heard the latest news, made plans with his advisors, sat in judgement and kept up important liasons. But after he had dinner with some important nobleman and his daughter, he retreated to his chambers and started a preparation for a certain task. He made a list with important matters for Teagan and his advisors:

 

_\---- after death:_

_\+ get in touch with Anora (next queen)_

_\+ if body found, want to be buried in “Andraste’s mercy”, otherwise, build monument in Andraste’s mercy (sacophargus) – don’t you dare to change the inscription!_

_\+ inform Orlais_

_\+ inform Tevinter_

_\+ inform Weishaupt_

_\---- political decisions:_

_\+ mages should live freely, but learn in schools how to use magic. Templar only for abdominations in villages – security system like fire warning system? Magical items for warning?_

_\+ special law for mages (how and when to use magic in which circumstances)_

_\+ education about magic_

_\+ support the Inquisition as best as you can – they shall mediate between Templars and mages_

_\+ support grey wardens with supplies and monument for their sacrifice in Denerim_

_\+ soup kitchen in every major city for veterans of the mage war_

_\+ build another orphanage like the “Hero of Ferelden Orphanage” in Denerim and Redcliffe_

_P.S.: Teagan, please don’t be mad. I did all I could. I will be happy as I will be reunited with my one true love. I wish you the best._

Anora should have his carefully built kingdom, it didn’t matter to him now. The promise didn’t matter anymore. Not with the pain eating him from inside out. He was never a good king and he would never be. Why couldn’t he just die all these years ago killing the archdemon?

He couldn’t make it through the fresh pain again. The pain that had hit him the first time he thought her dead. His sword laid there, under his mattress and it was just so tempting to take it, ram it in his guts and bleed to death. Nobody would be able to safe him, not when he was silent. But he couldn’t do that to Teagan, he couldn’t do that to Ferelden. Ferelden deserved a king that died in honor, in battle.

With shaking hands, Alistair took Duncan’s shield down from the wall. It would accompany him on his last mission. In the next night, he would secretly leave the castle and make his way to the deep roads dying fighting darkspawn. Then he would finally be reunited with her, forever this time.

He let a maid bring a water hose and a bread and sewed some diamonds into his clothes to change them into money and food later. This would do it. He wouldn’t need much on his last journey.

The next day, Alistair tried to remain calm on the outside, but inside he was trembling in excitement. He had planned to slip out of the palace at night time and be long gone until someone noticed he was missing. Teagan asked a few times whether everything was alright, but Alistair just turned him down. He had always been a bad liar. Better not experimenting with it now.

The hours waiting after nightfall were the worst. He pretended to go to bed and laid still, listening only to his harsh breaths. Long after midnight, he changed his clothes and sneaked through empty corridors and hallways, avoiding the soldiers on the watch. Just the door to the kitchen and then to the stables and he would be never coming back. As his hand touched the wood, a voice spoke from behind him.

“Alistair, you stay. You won’t die fighting bandits or darkspawn. Your people need you. Ferelden needs you.” Alistair whirled around. Teagan stood behind him. “How did you know?” “I am your uncle, Alistair, I know you. Besides, one of the maids recognized that the shield of Duncan was not hanging on the wall any longer.” Alistair clenched his teeth. His impatience had betrayed him.

“Go back to your bed. The pain will fade someday. To be sure, I have some guards at your door. Just in case your mind tries to trick again in doing something stupid.” Teagan accompanied Alistair to his room and took the sword and the shield from him. “It will be better, Alistair, I promise. You went through this already, you can do it again.” said Teagan as he closed the doors behind Alistair.

If Teagan wasn’t going to let him out of the castle, he would do it himself. Slicing his throat was too risky, somebody could stumble over him and call a healer. But there was the gift Morrigan had given him all these years ago. “In case your life gets unbearable. You would do us a favor.”, she had said with a sarcastic undertone.

He had told Mariella his worries that he wouldn’t know if he could go on without her. He never intended for her to die, he never intended to swallow the poison, but destiny had struck again and now he would use it exactly as Morrigan intended it to. Maybe she did not and this had been a cruel joke, but Alistair had kept the flacon anyway. How ironic.

Alistair studied the little flacon with the green, dark liquid shimmering in the light. He hoped it would be painful. He wanted to pay his depth. He was responsible for her death, it was his fault. He deserved the pain and he would pay for it. Slowly, he opened the flacon. The poison smelled after nothing at all. “To you, Ella, my love. We will see each other soon.” Toasted Alistair and set the flacon on his lips.

“She lives, Alistair! She lives!” In shock of the door crashing in the door as Teagan threw it open, he let the flacon drop to the floor, letting it burst into thousand pieces. It seemed like he would die another day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be better times for our Alistair as well, I promise.


	14. Maybe someday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, obviously, this chapter appears to be late.  
> I wasn't satisfied with this and the next chapter, I still am not, but I didn't want to let you down. I kept revising and revising the chapter over the last few months, even considered to skip it, but at the end, I came to the conclusion (after I've read your comments - thank you!) that a badly written chapter is probably better than none at all, isn't it?  
> So hopefully, you'll enjoy anyway and we can face better times soon.

Cullen couldn’t sleep for a second. His heart threatened to break his chest. The memory of her soft lips against his, hips touching, hearts beating in the same rhythm - a memory for the eternity. After more than ten years, she had pressed these delicate lips to his – again. This was everything he had wished for. But one thing held him back to break out in pure happiness and clouded his mind in worry. Cullen was and always had been a man of duty and honor.

She didn’t know who he was, what he had said to her. Could he really start a relationship that was based on a lie? Mariella didn’t know about their relationship at the circle and she didn’t know about her relationship to the king. To disregard both of them and just take advantage of her current situation would be the most selfish and dishonorable thing he would ever do. He couldn’t. He just couldn’t. At least he should carefully evaluate how she felt. Maybe there was a solution to this mess.

After a night full of sleepless brooding in his tent, the commander rose early and inspected the camp in the early morning hours. The snow was painted orange by the rising sun and let him forget for a moment how miserable their situation was. They would need shelter, but he knew no place where they could go with this many injured people. A thought crawled into his mind, which Cullen tried to banish quickly, but it came back with more force, piercing through his mind like tiny needles. Maybe the king would be happy to help his former companion and lover. He could provide them supplies, a place to plan their operations and a patronage for the inquisition.

Cullen gulped. He tried to persuade himself that he did not want the help of the king because he wanted to keep their complete independence, but deep down in the bottom of his heart he knew that this was not the only reason. Maybe there was another way. He would discuss their options with Cassandra, Josephine and Leliana, but King Alistair refused to leave his mind. He walked through the camp and searched for the other as a conversation caught his attention.

Cullen really didn’t want to eavesdrop, but as he strolled around, he heard Leliana persuading someone in a silent, but determined voice: “I just say this much: I won’t let you be with someone who is lying to you! Not, when your life depends on it! Maybe you should sort things out with the king someday, but…” in this moment, Cullen turned around the corner and saw a dejected Mariella in an argument with Leliana. Leliana’s eyes pierced through him like daggers. “What do you want, Commander?” Instinctively, Cullen grabbed his neck. “I…um… I actually searched for you. And Cassandra, of course. We should meet up as soon as possible.”

He avoided to look at Mariella. It seemed that Leliana changed her mind. Of course, she wouldn’t want her dearest friend be with an Ex-Templar with troubles staying away from lyrium. Yes, he hadn’t told Mariella yet, but it was only for the best. Cullen exhaled frustrated. “I go and search Josephine and Cassandra.” He still hadn’t dared to look her in the eyes. As he walked away, he heard her say: “I better get some more sleep. I’m not feeling so well.”

They discussed the whole day as all their people recovered from their shock of being attacked in Haven. Their situation was desperate. They had no place to go, no walls to protect them, not enough food for all these people, they were lacking supplies for the wounded – it seemed, the Inquisition had failed. Maybe they would die out here. One time, Josephine brought up the king, only to be harshly interrupted by Cullen. “We have to maintain our independence! Now more than ever with the mages as our allies! We will find a solution, but the king isn’t it!”

And they discussed further and further, the sun started to descend behind the mountains and threatened to end the day. The heated discussion didn’t seem to have an end and they were turning in circles, until their silence betrayed their seemingly positive attitude. It seemed that their desperate situation offered no reasonable solution and they all knew it.

In one of their darkest hours, a figure of light stepped into their circle. Mariella had put on her armor, which shone in the light of the fire with all its dents and bumps like more than a thousand stars and she was once more the savior they all needed. The reincarnation of Andraste, the savior of this world. “I may have a solution. Solas had a tempting idea.”

Mariella told them about an abandoned fort in the mountains, about a four week walk from their current camp. It would be hard to get there, but it was manageable. They could continue their work from Skyhold. There was a lot of planning ahead. However, Mariella and Cullen didn’t exchange a word. But they had hope and this was all that mattered.

The next weeks were full of exhaustion and long walks. There was no time to talk and no time to find some privacy. Maybe it was better that way. But this didn’t stop Cullen from dreaming of her at night and lying longing in his tent. He should talk to her. He should definitely talk to her. Once, this all settled down. Maybe he could tell her about the lyrium. No more secrets. Maybe. Someday, when they were at Skyhold.

A few tents farther, a sleepless Mariella tossed herself from one side to the other on her bedroll. Her wounds had begun to heal, but she still felt the pain sting with every movement. But this was not the reason she was still awake.

After the night she was brought back to the camp, everything was a blur. She had dreamt of the king and actually, she was pretty sure Cullen was by her side as she woke up. She thought she even remembered kissing him, but he kept his distance to her, so this couldn’t be, could it? But this memory was so sweet that she let herself dreaming that is was real. She would talk to him. She surely would talk to him. Well, maybe. Maybe someday, when they were at Skyhold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it. I think I'll post the next chapter soon and get it over with.  
> Anyway, thanks for your support!
> 
> Let me know what I could change :)


	15. Confessions Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised that I'd publish the next chapter sooner - here you go :)

And finally, finally they arrived at Skyhold. There was still a lot of work to do, but it offered at least a dry space for everyone and a bit of privacy. Real meals. Safety. Routine. Walls surrounding them. Everything would fall into place now.

It hadn’t even been a full day at Skyhold, but Mariella couldn’t hold back any longer. Just an hour later after she was declared inquisitor, she was searching for him. He was standing at a desk, talking with his soldiers, making plans and shouting orders. She approached him slowly and waited for a while until almost everybody was gone. If he did it on purpose or not, Cullen helped her and sent all officers and agents on a task on their own.

Mariella approached him with a soft smile that warmed his heart. “We never really… talked after Haven.” She offered him with a lovely, crooked smile. He couldn’t help it and smiled back. “I’m glad you… so many made it.” Her smile got even wider. His face got serious again. “There will be a lot to do, the walls have seen better times but I think we can make this place a decent, safe home. I promise you, the events of Haven will not happen again! Corypheus may come, but this time, we will be prepared. I will make sure that you won’t stand alone against him, inquisitor. You will get out of this alive.”

His determined speech warmed her heart, but he avoided any eye contact that lasted longer than a few seconds. “Thank you, commander, I appreciate that. But… hadn’t we agreed that you call me Mariella?” He blushed and grabbed his neck. “Of course… Mariella… although I would prefer calling you ‘inquisitor’ on official occasions and in front of the soldiers.” She chuckled. “I can live with that.” He pretended to study the map in front of him. _Is now the time?_ Cullen thought. No, he decided. He would tell her another time. Not in the courtyard where they could be easily disturbed. But maybe he should tell her that he wanted to talk to her alone… but his courage left him and he didn’t say anything at all.

A small silence fell between them, both avoiding any eye contact. “I should go now. See you around, commander.” She was about to walk away. No, no, no, he didn’t want her to go away. Not after more than four weeks without having talked to her. Anyway, it would be harder if he waited longer, now was as good as ever. Cullen swallowed down his fear and called after her. “Ah, and Inquisitor… when you have a minute… I would like to talk to you. In private.” She turned around and smiled a shy smile. Oh, how he loved this smile. “I can make time right now?” Cullen rose his eyebrows in shock. “Now? Um… right. Now.

“I just tell Ser Rylen to take over the coordination.” She bit her lip, like she always did when she was unsure. “We can reschedule.” Mariella offered and looked at her feet. “No! I mean… no… now is as fine as ever. I will be at the gates in 10 minutes.”

Cullen felt relieved and nervous at the same time as he stormed through the castle and searched for Ser Rylen. Ser Rylen accepted the task, of course, but shot Cullen a concerned look. It was suspicious that the commander would give someone else than himself the task to coordinate the repair of Skyhold, but he was smart enough not to ask.

Exactly ten minutes after their encounter, Mariella and Cullen met at the gates and left Skyhold. They walked in silence for a while, snow covering their boots and just the crashing snow under their feet as their company. Cullen inhaled deeply. And some point he should start talking, shouldn’t he? He stopped and looked her in the eyes. “I should tell you… actually I’ve should have told you a while ago, because we are… I don’t know… I mean… What I mean doesn’t matter. You are the inquisitor and now you must know.”

He inhaled deeply again. “I’ve stopped taking lyrium. For quite a while now.” He stared in the wide landscape and avoided any eye contact. He had no idea how she would react. “But Cullen?” Her voice was full of sorrow. He looked her directly in the eyes.  “This is dangerous, isn’t it? You could… die, couldn’t you?” Her blue eyes were clouded in worry, but there was something else. He grabbed his neck. “Well yes, there is no denying that there is a fair chance.”

She shook her head. “I won’t lose you. Not after all we’ve been through.” Was she forbidding him his withdrawal? “Is… is that an order, inquisitor?” Cullen went back to formal manners and straightened immediately. “No! No, of course not! I’m just saying that I would do everything I can to support you, I won’t lose you in the process of the withdrawal. If I can do anything, just tell me, will you?” Cullen must have looked very surprised, because Mariella started chuckling.

“Don’t look at me like this, if this is your wish, your deepest desire, I will support you in every way I can. But I’m telling you also that I won’t lose you. Not now. I can’t.” Cullen nodded slowly, trying to understand the deeper meaning. “I’m proud that you stopped taking lyrium.” He rose his eyebrows. He hadn’t calculated with that response. He chuckled a little bit. “Don’t be. I’m maybe not through with it.” “But I am. And if you fail, at least you will have tried. I will always be there to support you.”

They walked calmly side by side and Cullen felt more pleased than in weeks. The cards were on the table. It was her turn. After they slowly walked backwards, Mariella asked in a silent voice: “Why did you stop taking lyrium anyway?” He smirked and decided to be honest. “I promised it to a person who means a lot to me years ago.” She rose her eyebrows and seemed to be struggling, but finally, she asked. “To whom?” “To you.” And this had to be enough for the moment.


	16. Confessions Part 2

Maybe Cullen had imagined that the world would stop for them, but it didn’t and she had to leave a few days after this conversation without having the chance to talk to him again in private. Oh how much she hated to leave, but she had to. Although the exalted planes harbored a beauty on their own, she terribly missed the Frostback Mountains and Skyhold. And Cullen.

Varric immediately noticed that she was distracted all the time and approached her one evening. “Curly, huh?” Mariella nodded just in silence, but Varric said nothing more. “He is… I don’t know. He is quite hard to read. One day he is open to me like a book and the next we start from the beginning.” Varric sighed.

“He got through difficult times. Talked to him in Kirkwall from time to time. You know, your cousin has the same eyes as you do and this seemed to… distract him. But he is a fine guy. Don’t give up on him so easily.” Mariella shot him a confused look. “What do you mean?”

“Well, Hawke and you are related and you have the same eyes. It triggered the one and the other memory from time to time, late in the night when he drank more than he intended to. Let’s say, this grim face he makes all the time has its reasons. But I can tell he cares.”

Mariella unbelievingly shook her head. “You are talking in riddles. However, he didn’t even write one personal letter to me.” “Trust me, he will write.” And he did. The moment, Mariella retrieved the crinkled letter from the messenger, her hands trembled in excitement.

_Mariella,_

_It has been four weeks since you left Skyhold. I miss your company and hope, you will return soon._

_Cullen_

It was not much but it was enough to let her hope. They tried to return as quickly as possible, but as soon as she entered the gates of Skyhold, a thousand tasks waited for her and she had no time to talk to him – again.

But one afternoon, she had nothing to do, it was just for herself. Mariella tried to hide it, but she searched for Cullen. He wasn’t in his tower and she didn’t dare to ask his lieutenant where he was. Finally, she found him in the gardens with Dorian. It seemed they were involved in an intense game of chess. Smirking, she watched them from the other corner of the gardens. As Dorian lost, she came closer.

“Oh, the lady of the house. My place is yours, who could withstand such a beauty? Luck doesn’t favor me today anyway - others seem to be more successful in this kind of matter.” Dorian winked at Cullen. For a moment, she struggled. “Would you care for a game?” Those honey eyes would be the death of her. “Prepare the board, commander.”

They started and quickly fell into a light conversation. “Is it just my bad memory or didn’t you play chess at the circle?” Cullen laughed silently about her joke and shook his head. “I used to play a lot with Mia, my sister. Back at the circle was not much time and poor company to play with.” He stared at the board. “I could have played with you.” The words were out of her mouth and she couldn’t take them back. Cullen looked in her eyes with a mysterious expression.

“I would have like that, but I’m afraid that this wasn’t something the authorities liked to see.” She winked at him. “I’m lucky that I’m the authority here.” Cullen laughed. “It is nice to hear you laughing. Varric says you make a grim face all the time.” Mariella bit her tongue. What was going on with her? She wanted to check out things slowly, not falling with the door in the house. Out of the blue, she had confessed two things: she liked him laughing and she had talked with Varric about him.

Maybe he thought she was just a silly girl with an infatuation for him and he felt uncomfortable or worse, annoyed. “The lyrium deprivation makes things worse… and from time to time… well… I have pretty bad memories at my last days in the circle. Kirkwall was bad as well, but Kinloch was worse.” A pregnant pause spread between them. “Do you remember anything of freeing the circle? Or anything about the circle at all?” Cullen’s voice was low.

Mariella wasn’t sure whether this was because of sorrow or terror or both. “No.” That was a lie. But she didn’t want him to feel bad for anything. “Well, for your sake, I hope you will never remember.” A bitter laugh escaped his lips. “Whatever it is, and for what it’s worth, I am sorry for what has happened.” They exchanged a long gaze and for a small eternity there were just the two of them. Cullen broke the silence. “We should finish our game, right? My turn?”

Late in the afternoon, it knocked on Cullen’s door. After their game of chess, he had problems concentrating and just revised reports. It wasn’t because of the headache the lyrium caused, it was because of her. Cullen sighed.  They hadn’t talked for ages and the conversation replayed itself in his head and tomorrow, she would be leaving again. And the still hadn’t talked about the kiss they shared. And now this. This was a messenger with an important task or Leliana, for sure. “Come in.” The door opened slowly and Cullen was blinded by the bright light beam so that he couldn’t figure out who entered.

“Sergant, would you please leave? I have serious business with our Commander.” Mariella’s voice. She closed the door. “Yes, ser.” The soldier saluted to both of them and left his tower, leaving just the two of them. Slowly, his eyes recovered and he could see her standing in the middle of the room. “Inquisitor!” He jumped up from his chair. “Do you want to take a seat?” She wrung her hands in nervousness. “I’d rather prefer standing.” An awkward silence spread. After what felt like a decade, she opened her mouth. “Cullen, you have been so honest with me… I have to make a confession as well.” she chewed her lower lip. “Cullen, I wasn’t completely honest. I don’t remember a lot, but I remember a few things from the tower. Actually, one thing in particular. That is... that is… you… kissing… me…”

Cullen gulped. Was this a good or a bad thing? He decided that it was the best to say nothing at all, but so did she. They just stared at each other, locked eyes and both afraid to break the silence and speak the last confessing words. After a while, Cullen could not stand it anymore. “I know, my behavior was inappropriate at the time. I took advantage of a superior position. I am very sorry, Inquisitor.”

She exhaled frustrated. “I… well… Oh Cullen you make it quite difficult for me! I was in love with you, I still am.” Cullen was stunned and just stared at her. Did he hear right? Mariella got even more nervous. “It is alright if you don’t feel the same. I just thought… I just thought after our recent kiss, that you might… well… feel the same way about me?” Cullen sighed and grabbed his neck. This was the best and the worst conversation he had ever had.

“I do. I honestly do… but…” “But?” she made a careful step forward in his direction. “But you should know… I mean I know that you don’t want to know… Oh dear, this sounded much better in my head…. What I actually want to say is that if you considering this… us… you should know that you had a lover before you… well… died. You were with King Alistair, he wasn’t a king by then. I don’t know whether you broke up or you just ended your romance by… well… dying. It seemed that you discussed this with Leliana in detail.”

Mariella shook softly her head. “It doesn’t matter now. I am here and you are here. I maybe have the same character traits like I did before, but I’m kind of another person. I don’t know my history and ten years have passed. I’m sure Alistair moved on as well. Besides, I merely remember him. But I remember you in every detail.” “You do?” She blushed. “Yes, I do.”

And then, finally, their lips met in a passionate kiss as Cullen pulled her close and encircled her with his strong arms. In this moment, everything had been worth it. The suffering during the blight, the longing nights in the circle, the fall of the circles, the demons, Corypheus. It all had led him to this very moment with her and come hell or high water, he would never let her go as long as she would have him.

**Author's Note:**

> You like it?  
> Leave me a Kudos or a comment :)


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